Dumbass Articles

Celebrity bad decisions, mistakes, and Hollywood stupidity.

Shut your cockmouth and wear a bra

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 3, 2009 09:48:02 August 3, 2009 09:48:02

An extraordinary amount of patience is required to be friends with Jessica Simpson. I am not a patient person. But I am a good friend. And she needs me, so I’m working on it. Porny is frustrating though because progress is always mixed with f-ckery. Before celebrating improvement, you must wait for the other shoe to drop. Full Story

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Non pregnant trench

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 29, 2009 09:53:38 July 29, 2009 09:53:38

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady have not officially confirmed they’re expecting even though it’s already been published in asskissy People which means it’s not only totally true, but that the magazine received the couple’s secret endorsement. G recently posed for London Fog in a new campaign. Full Story

Dumbasses write books and make movies

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 29, 2009 09:18:42 July 29, 2009 09:18:42

This is an I Hate People article. It will make you angry and punchy. You have been warned. Lisa Rinna “wrote” a book. It’s called Rinnavation: Getting Your Best Life Ever. Really? Her????? Yes. Her. Lisa Rinna can help you improve your life. Please. She was at a signing yesterday and showed off all six of her lips. Full Story

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School is not for artists…or child stars

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 29, 2009 08:03:25 July 29, 2009 08:03:25

Taylor Momsen celebrated her 16th birthday yesterday by performing with her band Pretty Reckless in New York. As you can see, she looks 16 the way Miley Cyrus does. And the way Ali Lohan does. In other words, 35 and plucked. Awesome. Taylor is also celebrating her Teen Vogue cover and an interview that serves to convince us of her maturity and artistry. Full Story

JailBait Batgirl?

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 29, 2009 07:05:57 July 29, 2009 07:05:57

As Gary Oldman revealed at Comic-Con, the brilliant Christopher Nolan will direct a third Batman with Christian Bale as the Dark Knight, and rumour has it JailBait Miley Cyrus wants to be Batgirl so badly she dressed in character for an impromptu audition, not unlike that crazy bitch Sean Young back in the day with Catwoman, and supposedly “stunned Warner executives” when she started hopping around the room adlibbing self written dialogue… …the f-ck? Most people think it’s a bullsh-t story. Full Story

Shelfy compares herself to Meryl and Cate

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 28, 2009 09:24:18 July 28, 2009 09:24:18

She did. I know. My blood is boiling too. Shelf Ass Jessica Biel sat town with the LA Times to promote her gig at the Hollywood Bowl – she’s performing in Guys & Dolls and everyone involved in the production has been raving about her “silvery” voice, her range, her pipes. Full Story

SATC 2 – Exclusive

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 24, 2009 10:26:02 July 24, 2009 10:26:02

Stop reading here if you can’t handle the spoilers. Sex & the City the second movie – a few exclusive plot details. You ready? Ugh. My sources tell me that JailBait Miley Cyrus, as of this week, is confirmed to be on set for one day. Not known yet exactly what she’s playing but f-ck, it’ll make her head bigger and mashed mouth even more annoying. Full Story

Cruz and Becks matching haircuts

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 24, 2009 09:28:34 July 24, 2009 09:28:34

Heh. Cruz has a hawk. And Becks is showing off a new cut too. I love. I die. While Posh was sitting stiffly on a swing yesterday, David Beckham took his boys shopping – I guess this is how they parent? Because Victoria takes them shopping with her all the time too. Like there’s no other way to entertain children. Full Story

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Katie Holmes: Lobotomy on a dance floor

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 24, 2009 06:36:54 July 24, 2009 06:36:54

Dreadful. Michelle said to me before leaving the office last night that she was afraid to watch SYTYCD. Afraid to feel the fontrum for Katie Holmes. And her premonition came true. It was the f-cking sh-ts. And an embarrassment to the show. Full Story

Shrek Diesel DVD

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 17, 2009 07:11:44 July 17, 2009 07:11:44

Already? Didn’t seem like that took very long. Fast & Furious is now on DVD if you like that sort of thing – dumbasses not obeying the speed limit led by a grunting Shrek with big muscles also known as Vin Diesel. Ugh. He’s disgusting. Shrek showed up on the carpet last night because the event was also an opportunity to screen his short film Los Bandoleros. Full Story

Pissing on Oscar

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 10, 2009 13:04:20 July 10, 2009 13:04:20

It’s a Harry Potter day but it’s also an I Hate People day. Because some people are so f-cking dumb. And I’m not referring to a Twi-Hard. Tyce Diorio choreographed Katie Holmes’s upcoming number on So You Think You Can Dance – a tribute to Judy Garland. Said Diorio of Robo’s performance: “The thing that is so awesome is that you won’t know, you don’t know what to expect … but then when you sit and watch it, it’s amazing. Full Story

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