They aren't the Weirdos, Mister Murphy

Dean Posted by Dean at August 1, 2013 16:25:55 August 1, 2013 16:25:55

I have a quick story to tell, and it's going to be very annoying of me, but I think it serves an important point. That point is that I, like the rest of you, cherish the teen witch archetype and it is only out of deep disappointment that I'm going to crap all over these new images from the set of American Horror Story. First, a brief aside...

Please understand that I realize how obnoxious I'm being by quoting myself and trust that relevant gossip will follow. I used to be on a TV show called 1 Girl 5 Gays and once when talking about pop culture in some capacity on that show I said "give me a teen witch, and I'm good!" Days later, a GIF of me saying that popped up on my tumblr newsfeed and I was so f-cking thrilled. Thrilled by my own narcissistic desire and I was proud that, I hope, my stupid words had expressed something most of us feel - that teen witches are the f-cking greatest.

So why then, when first seeing Emma Roberts and Taissa Farmiga dressed in costume for American Horror Story: Salem do I feel absolutely nothing? Based on these pictures, it seems safe to say that' it’s because this teen witch story comes from the always reference filled but never innovative, uninspired but heavy handed mind of Ryan Murphy.

Look at the way these women are styled. Only black clothes? Check! Pointy shoes? Check! Wide brim hats? Check! There's nothing new and nothing nuanced, as if the costuming was born from an 8 year old's drawing. They look like Meg and Mog!

There is also a picture of Gabby Sidibe, dressed as a hip hop witch, which I guess is kind of a new idea? Maybe more likely kind of racist?

Think of the long line of women who have captured our teen hearts with their Satan-given powers. Think of ginger witch, Robin Lively, using spells to become the most popuuulaaar giiiiiiirl. Think of Buffy's Willow and her burgeoning lesbian identity. Think of Neve Campbell naked and praying "take my scars, Manon." There's a whole new generation of girls and gay boys out there who are ready for their teen witch experience, and they deserve one as captivating as the witches we got to obsess over. At the very least they deserve a Sabrina remake.


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