Eva Longoria: would this bitch shut up???

Lainey Posted by Lainey at April 18, 2006 12:00:00 April 18, 2006 12:00:00
So she"s out and about promoting The Sentinel. And now that she"s getting a little taste of film life, all of a sudden she"s reinventing her vampy image, claiming she doesn’t understand why she"s always asked about her sexual proclivities, blaming "media spin" for turning her into a perceived horny snatch. Oh really??? Why does every two bit tv girl get it into her delusional little mind that she can actually win an Oscar??? I call it the Jennifer Aniston Disease. And Eva Longoria seems to have fallen victim. As for her complaint about being known only as jerk off material... well didn"t she ask for it? Let"s recap, shall we? She"s on a show called Desperate Housewives. She spent the better part of Season 1 in a bra and panties writhing around with a lawnmower. When people started taking notice, she decided to leave her dating status up in the air, riding two boats to stir up interest (JC Chasez and Tony Parker), posing in a variety of skin rags to further drive home the "I want you to want me" agenda, and finally, when we started calling her a slut, settled down with the aforementioned basketball player only to pose wearing practically nothing but his jersey for NBA promos and yap incessantly about vibrators, brazilian bikini waxes, and how she likes to keep things "hot". So now she"s a "serious" actress with something to prove? Bitch, shut the f&ck up. And while we"re at it - let me just take a swipe at her footwear. Here she is on TRL yesterday wearing a pair of ridiculously cute wedges. Love them. The problem is that she"s short. Very short. And when the combined coverage of your shoes (including lace ups) equals the distance between your ankles and your knees, it looks like half your body is being engulfed in shoe. The result? Dwarfish looking legs and the unmistakeable stench of budget low classy cheap - think underground Asian massage parlour and a set of nasty ass acrylics. Get the picture? Unfortunatel, the Jackie Collins ensemble at Letterman wasn"t much better. I do like the hair though. Very Miss America, doesn"t move, the kind of body and lift I can only get when I sleep with curlers overnight and wake up with a kink in my neck. Sort of like Jennifer Aniston, actually. Mediocre talent, great body, great perky nipples, and lovely, lovely hair. Couldn"t you so totally see them as best friends forever???

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