Beauty and the CATFACE MCHORNSWAGGLER
After the last week, the live-action Beauty and the Beast is looking like more and more of a sure thing. People are going to be desperate for this kind of escape—indeed, already are— and fantasy films will benefit most of all. It’s into this atmosphere of conflict and despair that Disney dropped the first trailer for Beauty and the Beast: But Real This Time, and if the photos were crazy, then the full effect of the trailer is breathtakingly insane.
This is clearly a beat-for-beat remake of the cartoon classic—unlike Cinderella, there appears to be no significant tampering with the animated version of the story. All the familiar beats are here: Maurice in the dungeon, the library, the yellow dress, the wolves, Gaston inciting a riot, the rose, “Show me the girl”. It’s all very beautiful and yes yes, the music!, but can we talk about what is really important here? I don’t know how much longer I can contain myself.
LOOK AT CATFACE MCHORNSWAGGLER.
Check out Belle trying to get Catface to pet her horse. That horse is like, Get the f*ck away from me, you DEVIL HORNED MAN-CAT. He looks like Krampus, or like if Voldemort had chosen to go the shaggy dog route instead of becoming a snake person. The talking servant-objects are much better pieces of design—Chip is cute and Lumiere is adorable—but Catface McHornswaggler looks like a piece of bad taxidermy.
So, yes, I am 100% on board with this movie. Partly because, based on Lumiere swinging around the castle with his FIRE HANDS and Ewan McGregor’s French accent I bet “Be Our Guest” will be incredible. But mostly because I want to watch Belle’s timeless love story with MISSHAPPEN TAXIDERMY. Gaston, you don’t need to kill the Beast. You just need to return him to the museum storage room from which he escaped.