This Movie Is A Fraud
I really wanted to be wrong about those Jem and the Holograms shots we looked at, just a few innocent days ago – click here for a refresher.
I was…if anything, I was not right enough.
What the hell is this sh*t that we’re watching? “Jerrica” doesn’t want to be a star? NOoooope. And they’re victims of a record company repackaging them because they’ve never been on the internet or heard anything about protecting their vision?
I mean, OKAY. Fine. So you need some sort of 2015 narrative because there are far fewer orphanages in North America than we were led to believe. FINE. So why walk us right up to the line of camp – Molly Ringwald and Juliette Lewis are right there – and then not do it?
MAGIC EARRINGS. Where are the magic earrings? Yeah, I know, it’s kind of a weird fantasy thing that doesn’t exist. But what the hell else is JEM about? It’s not about music or sisters, because that’s any movie. Every movie. Why the hell isn’t this about magic earrings?
And okay. Let’s say it’s not about a fairy godmother who lives in a computer. Like, RIP Synergy, but I can maybe see how that might seem like a bit of an antiquated gag. But if not that, how about THE MISFITS? Where is the other, evil girl band they have to fight against, who WILL sell out to get the label’s time? If we can’t trade bitchy girl barbs, what the hell are we doing here in this girl movie? Especially embarrassing is the title card wherein they say that the movie is “from the studio that brought you Pitch Perfect” while simultaneously being the antithesis of Pitch Perfect. Are you really going to make Jem and play it straight?!?!
No Synergy. No Misfits. No secret identity, where Jem and Jerrica are both dating Rio, who in retrospect is a terrible cheating asshole by not constantly telling Jem “I have a girlfriend”. No “Twilight In Paris”. No orphans overdosing on pills? What the hell is that?!?
What is the POINT!?!?!?! Who is this FOR?!?!?! If it’s for me, and it’s supposed to be the nostalgia factor of the thing I watched when I was a kid, then bring on the camp! Make me sing along to all the cheesiest songs that are imprinted on my brain! If it’s supposed to be for kids, and it doesn’t matter whether they remember the original, then why the HELL are they interested in a lead character who A) Doesn’t want to be famous, B) Folds like a deck chair when the evil record company wields their power, and C) has zero charisma?
Jem and The Holograms has to be any two of 1. Hilarious 2. Faithful to the original or 3. Legitimately entertaining. We are 0 for 3 here and you are kidding yourself if you think it’s going to get any better.