Flowers In The Attic

July 25, 2013 16:07:23 Posted at July 25, 2013 16:07:23
Duana Posted by Duana

I read an article this morning where a woman wrote that consuming Sex And The City as a teenager set up her and her friends for unrealistic expectations where sex was concerned. That in turn made them receptive and hungry when Girls came to present a different view. This makes a lot of sense to me.

Except what the hell does it mean for those of us who grew up on Flowers In The Attic?

I don’t know if any work got done in my grade 7 year at all. We were busy passing around these books and learning about “hard, male parts” and seductive teenagers who were just shocked at the power their young, lithe bodies had.

If you’ve never read these books, I’m not exaggerating. Also, where did you get your f*cked up ideas about sex from?

Of course, what everyone remembers most about these books is the incest. Not just the brother-sister cornerstone, obviously, but endless comparisons to Momma and Momma’s cleavage and I know you’re reading this with your coffee so I’ll hold off.

Herewith the point – Lifetime is making this into a movie.   

Yes.

Ellen Burstyn will star as the terrifying grandmother, and Heather Graham will star as Momma. You guys, she’s old enough to play Momma now.

So the question is -- how f*cked up is this movie going to be? There was a version, years and years ago, that my parents inexplicably let me rent from Jumbo Video,  which focused way more on the terror and violence of the book instead of what everyone wanted, which is the truly f*cked sex. It took me a long time to realize that this is because in addition to being incest, it’s all supposed to be underage incest, as the characters are 12 and 14 when we meet them.

So, in order, my questions:

Who greenlit this thing? Who thinks that what we really need in entertainment today is some tween incest?

Are they right?

Let’s talk about Ellen Burstyn & Heather Graham. Are they both superfans of the source material, or just really into playing the same – yet different – types of villains?

Exactly how many of the terrible scenes from the book are we going to see?  Whippings? Tar Hair? Blood snacks? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, this is why you’ve never related to anyone in your age group. This is the depravity they’re focusing on.

What nonsense parents would let their children be in this? Kristy Swanson played Cathy in the 1987 movie, when she was 18. So…are we doing that again?

Most importantly – are they going to make follow-up films if this is successful? Do I need to remind you all about Petals On The Wind?

Oh, and one more question:

Who could I be if my mind were not filled with this crap? Is this where I took the wrong turn and became not Mark Zuckerberg? Please enlighten me.

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