Chuck needs Spanx

January 13, 2009 15:52:00 Posted at January 13, 2009 15:52:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

It was our fixation this week. That Ed Westwick’s suits were just a little too tight…

Sorry this is late and thanks for your messages asking about today’s Gossip Girl post. Duana, Michelle, and I we live across the country from each other. It’s an excuse for us to talk smack on Skype, be totally unproductive, and catch up in that intangible way friends do when life and LIFE often takes over. We’re honoured that some of you are enjoying it.

Anyway, Marcus had to go to the vet and they gave him a shot and then he wanted to cuddle because he’s a big suck and now he’s exhausted and snoring so that explains the delay.

To discuss this week:
- Chuck in need of Spanx
- Blake Lively CAN’T ACT
- Headbands and high school crowns
- Van der Humphrey ew ew ew

But first…

Little J has a Nike commercial. At least that’s what I think it is.

…the f-ck?

Taylor Momsen doesn’t eat, smokes her tits off, and is now representing fitness?

Bitch… PLEASE!

Taylor Momsen Nike

Photos attached of Ed Westwick looking trimmer on set last week from Splashnewsonline.com

Gossip Girl Weekly

Duana
Oh man, we're going back to the Nate/Jenny SL? Did we miss that?

Michelle
I guess Nate is back?

Duana
I guess.
Which means only one thing....

Lainey
Maybe he killed Vanessa when he was away

Michelle
Can't wait to see Chuck's blazer collection!

Duana
That's the same bag from last week, but in black. I see bag sponsor!

Michelle
I like how Blair physically can't be near Jack.

Lainey
Union Jack cufflinks! My not so inner Anglophile is squeeing!

Duana
Why does he look so young?

Lainey
Is Blair past rape age?

Duana
Past rape age? What on earth does that mean?

Michelle
Over 18. No actually over 16 in the US I think

Lainey
Him asking her to go out with him. Is it legal?

Duana
No, it is 18 still there

Michelle
I think it's a state by state thing.

Duana
and I don't know, what age did she turn on last birthday?

Michelle
We're so distracted we haven't had time to make fun of Jenny's outfit.

Duana
Or Blair's. She looks like she's appearing in family court as a divorce lawyer
Chuck 17. Well, that answers that question

Michelle
Have they explained why Nate's back?

Duana
Under 17 years of age: New York law states that a person less than 17 years of age is legally incapable of consenting to sexual intercourse or other sexual contact. These laws are typically known as statutory rape laws.

Lainey
Why does he wear so much purple?

Duana
Weak line from Chuck. He must be hurting. I'm sorry, is this a storyline about how Chuck is throwing away his inheritance because why? Because he's bitter?

Michelle
Because he must reject his father's love.

Lainey
This is so cheesy but I love that Nate and Blair are there for him. It's sweet. Like when the Panthers helped Smash get back in game shape.

Duana
Blake is lumbering. Why is Blake lumbering?

Michelle
She's not used to wearing so much clothing.

Lainey
Little J looks pregnant

Duana
I love little J's coat. I'm too old for it, but I like it. Also, a girl's first gay couple is an important milestone to navigate

Lainey
Why is Blake Lively on the cover of Vogue?

Michelle
I'm not sure... I can't think of one reason.

Lainey
We're talking about Sarkozy now? SARKOZY??? Carla Bruni was on the cover of Vogue.

Michelle
It's plaid coat week.

Lainey
Penelope is a thief. How can a queen be a headband thief?

Duana
OK, I'm going to say something I hate saying. Everyone's wardrobe is just a smidge too tight this week.

Michelle
So true. Blair's been sans headband for a while. Has she passed on the crown?

Duana
Headbands are not the mark of a woman.

Lainey
is that what it is? Headband = Crown?

Michelle
But a headband in the mark of a private school queen bee.
I noticed that Serena's breasts have been in hiding since Aaron's departure.

Lainey
headbands and highschool, semiotics on Gossip Girl. heh.
Another weak line...Thai waitresses and penises. Tired.

Duana
Who was Jack before he was Chuck's guardian?

Lainey
A date rapist.

Duana
SUIT! TOO! TIGHT!
Chuck needs Spanx for that thing!

Michelle
See - he is too rotund for a teen!

Duana
Why didn't Blair hang up when she said she would?

Lainey
We never do...

Michelle
True... it's like the Bass' have a power over her.
Is Jack trying to out-Blair Blair?

Lainey
Oh Lawd. Like the world needs another f-cking Humphrey.

Michelle
But he wants to dress another boy in cowboy shirts and turtlenecks.

Lainey
should I have a baguette with cream cheese?

Duana
Obviously you should.

Michelle
yes!

Duana
Serena's face never registers surprise or pain AND THERE"S A GIRL IN THE BACKGROUND WEARING MY COAT!!!

Lainey
i can see it!

Duana
They panned past her so fast, but make no mistake, I will be going back

Michelle
Oh Vanessa. Even she has a two breasted winter jacket

Lainey
PS. That girl who was in Sex & the City is also Clint Eastwood's granddaughter in Gran Torino. It's like she's following me around.

Michelle
She's saying to you "I could be your daughter"

Lainey
Nelly! Stealthy!

Michelle
Ew it's creepy stalker chick.

Lainey
I honestly love these 3 seedlings.
Duana
Chuck is in primary colours. Discuss.

Michelle
Because he's back to basics?

Lainey
Do Spanx come in primary colours?

Duana
If they did, I'd own more.

Michelle
Do you think he's wearing a manzier?

Duana
Please. He's not Chris Noth.

Michelle
Serena. Dress. Why?

Duana
Where ….Aaaand there they are.

Michelle
Old Serena would have that zipper down to her top rib.

Duana
because like you, she covets the zipper trend, and because that's entirely appropriate for after school. Didn't you change into a cocktail dress after school?

Lainey
woah

Duana
WalDORF, what are you wearing?

Lainey
Serena’s breasts.

Michelle
I'm telling you their child is Georgina

Duana
Stupid Rufus shouldv'e handed the phone to Lily. Dan doesn't fall far from the tree.

Michelle
I can't wait until you get Botox! I love Blair

Lainey
Blair's blouse. It was made for me. Wearing animals and insects. Are butterflies insects?

Duana
Little J, stop that right now.
I thought they were bow ties.
I hate everything happening from her head to her toes.

Michelle
Old cell phone - can it get texts?

Duana
Are kids today old enough to get a rotary phone joke? I'm looking at pseudoteens padding themselves in tweed.

Lainey
Bow ties. You're right. Interest dies.

Michelle
Where is this Jenny tantrum coming from?

Duana
This is not a plotline, Eric and J. And if I know correctly, he would actually be afraid of spending too much time with his boyfriend.

Michelle
Still no emotion from Serena. Please, act for once. Even Nelly looks more shocked.

Duana
Sparkly dress from Serena is not un-Dress-Barn.
I want Blair's hair, again.
I'm going to mention it once a week.

Michelle
Couldn't they get La Perla instead of La Senza for those escorts?

Duana
It was SO la senza!

Michelle
Wait, maybe nelly is Gossip Girl?

Lainey
Impossible. Asians aren’t allowed to be the surprise twist.

Duana
Everything Westwick is wearing is too tight.

Michelle
Chest hair too.

Duana
OK, so Jack sets him up to be declared incompetent and the board calls for his overthrow-al.

Michelle
That wife line was harsh. Loved it becuase it was true.

Duana
Oh, completely.
Why did they make Eric a brunette? So he would match Dan?

Lainey
um...does little J have a ponytail??? F-CK OFF!

Michelle
There was a shipment of double breasted jackets at Century 21 this week.

Lainey
have you seen her nike commercial?

Duana
i think it's a tiny braid.
What???
No

Duana
What is Rufus' PROBLEM right now? Why does he want this so badly? Like what's the real actual reason? Will he then have a piece of his happy life with Lily to hang onto?

Michelle
Because remember he chose fatherhood instead of rock stardom

Duana
Right but the product of that is in DUMBO or wherever.

Michelle
(p.s. i think du likes the tiny braid)

Duana
I don't love the tiny braid, but I acknowledge it, I guess.

Michelle
I know what's wrong with this episode. Where's Dorota?

Duana
No parents at all in this ep. I mean, parents, but not parentING

Lainey
Ew. Ew. Ew. Rufus fondling. Make it stop.

Duana
So Lilly took off neither her bra nor her tank top? Passionate.
Seriously. Seriously I can't handle that she put her negligee back on

Michelle
Rufus reveals his tattoo. He's sooo bad ass

Duana
BRACELETS

Michelle
But Jenny and Dan made them when they were little, so he can never take them off

Duana
"Pecker"? Who wrote this one, exactly?

Michelle
Du is so right. That suit is way too tight.

Duana
Blake Lively…her acting. Imagine Keanu Reeves and Blake Lively were cast in a movie together?

Lainey
they are

Duana
Bite your tongue

Lainey
the private lives of pippa lee

Michelle
seriously?

Lainey
for reals.

Duana
What is Nate? Who is Nate? Can someone explain what he does or how he exists?

Michelle
He carries on the long tradition of man bangs.

Duana
Noted

Now that's a nice shot

They were exactly at the same angle, same expression. I love when couples do that

PS this is a total lie, clearly

Michelle
Who carries around clippings anymore?

Duana
esp. on this show

Michelle
And no photos?

Duana
He couldn't have brought a picture?

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Best elevator shot ever.

Stand up straight, Westwick

Put this dialogue in 40 year old mouths, it's the same. It works the same.

Michelle
Do you think the lesson in that last scene is Chuck needs to love himself before Blair can love him?

Duana
that, and even those who love you can be pushed away if you try hard enough. Unconditional doesn't mean unchanged.

Lainey
Please you two. Enough Oprah. The lesson in the last scene is that sweeps are in February and Blair can’t forgive Chuck until then.

Duana
LIttle J wearing a skort.

Michelle
i love the clueless reference. I think he may secretely like that.

Lainey
Why because Penn Badgley wants to be the next Paul Rudd?
This is too twee. Are they going to make sandwiches?

Duana
F-CK OFF LILLY

Michelle
Cue loving family shot

Duana
No, I'm sorry, this cannot work. This cannot work! It's flowers in the attic!

Michelle
Does it make a difference if they don't get married?

Duana
If their children keep dating, then no, it doesn't.

Michelle
So if Lilly and Rufus don't get married, Serena and Dan still can't date?

Duana
Well, are Lilly and Rufus together?

Michelle
They held hands at the end, so that's what I'm thinking.

Duana
Then I think no. Only 2 out of any 6 Van Der Humphreys may be dating. Am I being puritanical?

Photos from Splashnewsonline.com

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