Chuck gets a massage

January 6, 2009 11:45:00 Posted at January 6, 2009 11:45:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Gossip Girl returned last night – thanks for your emails today asking about the Weekly Chat. It’s back… although the first show of the year kinda sucked, non? Was the kind of episode you really didn’t have to pay attention to until the final 10 minutes. Until the big reveal. Which was a hot reveal. But still…


How about Blair’s dress at the snotty lady tea party? Oh.My.God. That dress.

How about no Vanessa or Nate, and who cares?

How about Little J’s hair? And her roots suddenly disappearing midway through the episode?

These are the things that fascinated us during an unwitty episode that promises to pick up next week. The preview is below.

Attached – Leighton, Blake, and DOROTA! Shooting in NYC today.

Photos from


Duana: I didn't realize Chuck’s nostrils looked like that in that cemetery scene.

Michelle: His nostrils were out of control. Like Annalynne McCord on 90210.

Duana: Serena's dress is trying too hard to be carefree. In fact, it could be in a stayfree commercial.

Michelle: Very Dirty Dancing Havana Nights. Is Avril Lavigne dressing Little J?

Duana: I WANT HER HAIR. Can I lighten my hair to Blair's?

Michelle: Unfortunately I now have Little J's.

Duana: Here's the thing. Nate, who appears not to be on this show anymore, looks OK in a yellow shirt. But Dan does not. I never thought I'd call a man sallow but those school shirts make him look like Dwight Schrute.

Lainey says: Asian massage parlours do it every time

Michelle says: Were you pretending you were the masseuse?

Lainey: my mother's worst nightmare

Michelle: Dorota already? It's going to be a good 2009.

Duana: Would Blair really keep the logo on her red bag like that? I feel she would remove it

Michelle: Yes it seemed very Coach.

Duana: Little J… It's like they want us to notice her roots.

Michelle says: I think they do. Because that's what Avril likes.

Lainey: Apparently roots are the new thing. Like Madonna and Gwyneth. Asians are either nerds or masseuses.

Duana: Nelly Yuki has no pants on

Lainey: What's with the white coat mafia on the front steps?

Michelle says: And there's a lot of bright blue going on....

Lainey: Ew. I hate Uncle Jack already. he has no lips.

Michelle: Jack is slimey. Blair's only friend in this episode is Dorota.

Duana: He was missing for Christmas AND new year's? PS I have no lips. Go away.

Michelle says: Asians also work for adoption agencies.

Lainey: You have lips. He has Terminator face. Also Asians get adopted. Like Maddox. And Pax.

Duana : See? Dan not in yellow = much better

Michelle: The time away from GG made me realize Serena's accent is soooo weird and effected. What's the deal?

Lainey: is it the accent or is it the slurring. She seems like she grind her teeth at night. We were never allowed to accessorise our uniforms like that.

Michelle: This Catholic school girl agrees.

Duana: Really? I was just going to ask you uniform girls if it was the most fun ever reinventing your look every day.

Lainey: F-ck. Go away Dan and Serena. Can we abolish Humphrey in 2009?

Michelle: But that was actually a decent kiss. I bought it.

Duana: It was a decent kiss.

Lainey: What's the Thai hooker's name?

Duana: Make one up
Lainey: Bo? Did Blair say Bo? A+ if she said Bo. They’re all called Bo! Is that a white man thing? To have your dick sucked by a Thai Bo?

Michelle: Whatever. This episode is really about tights.

Duana: and blue coats. Serena is SO condescending. To her best friend. All of the time.

Michelle: I think she's just staring at Blair's perfect lips. Hello Pinkberry product placement.

Duana: Those look like "irregular choice" brand shoes. No WAY Penelope would stoop so low.

Lainey says: finally. Some smoking on this show. Up to now no teens smoked on the upper east side.

Duana: Hazel's 27

Michelle: What's Chuck's hair saying about him this episode?

Lainey: It's all about his dead eyes now.

Michelle: See I think his hair looks a bit dead too.

Duana: Um, that was less of a makeout and more of a two-step. Are Dan and Serena, Penn and Blake, done, do we think? In real life?

Michelle: See I bought it. I thought they had the "we just got busted" dance going on. Blair and headmistress both have bows on!

Duana: Like, Chuck's concession to school colours is a yellow Beefy T

Michelle: See I've come to realize something over the break. Chuck always wears jackets and blazers on the show. After seeing paparazzi shots of Ed Westwick, I understand why. They're hiding the man boobs.

Duana: except in the Hamptons

Michelle: But in the Hamptons he wore stiff short sleeved shirts. Ed has the body of a bloated guy in his early 30s.

Lainey: Stop trashing my shamef-ck.

Michelle: You can do better.

Duana: I think he's a step up from most of them.

Lainey: I have to wait for my swedish hockey players to grow up.

Duana: Most of your shameful crushes are worse than Ed Westwick.

Michelle: Although you could name each of his man boobs - Shame and F-ck.

Duana: Now, are we talking about pecs, here? I can't imagine he'd have a saggy boob

Michelle: I think he does. And a bit of a gut.

Duana: (Is it wrong that maybe that's kind of sexy?)

Michelle: Beige knit turtleneck. Thank you Rufus for taking it beyond the jean shirt.

Lainey: what are those on Rufus's wrist? buddha beads???

Michelle: Yes. How perfect!

Duana: Who looks good in a turtleneck?

Lainey: Hugh Jackman.

Duana: ....debatable

Michelle: and Gabrielle Aubry.

Duana: David Boreanaz did

Lainey: tights tights tights

Michelle: Paris Paris Paris. Does the size of Blair's headband reflect her mood?

Duana: Is Blair wearing a dickey? WTF is under her blouse?

Lainey: sateen!

Michelle: Ha - tone down the crazy! Where's the sateen?!

Lainey: Blair's blouse. I'm going to kill someone for S's leather jacket. Like murder.

Michelle: Yes but I approve of this sateen. It's muted and combined with other textures.

Duana: Serenamumblesandshethinksbecauseshemodulateshervoicethatit'sok

Michelle: I'd like to hear her and Christian Bale's Batman have a convo.

Duana: I read somewhere that Blake thinks she's smaller than she is and wardrobe has to change all the tags in her clothes.

Lainey: It was a blind item.

Duana: It wasn't yours, was it?

Lainey: Nope. I disagree on the sateen. My mother has a pair of pjs just like it. Do you recognise the redhead? Hazel? She served Charlotte at the restaurant when her water broke.

Michelle: Wow - good one. Wouldn't your mom's pjs also have some bedazzling?

Lainey: not when she sleeps. When she sleeps it's all about elastic waistbands.

Michelle: Red Socks Chuck! And ANOTHER blazer.

Lainey: Queen Elizabeth - the neckline.

Michelle: And the two pieces of hair pulled out is very YM 1994.

Duana: Seriously! Like, in a prom dress with combat boots

Michelle: I must admit. I like mean Chuck. He's a bastard.

Lainey: and i believe his behaviour.

Michelle: I too want her leather jacket. Now.

Duana: How many times has S said that? I have to go. Blair needs me.

Michelle: I think once an episode. How are we feeling about this episode?

Lainey: I'm underwhelmed.

Duana: nothing's happened yet!

Lainey: I could totally do without the Little J drama. I feel we're past the high school warring. I mean Chuck is descending into hell. And the next scene is about calling daddy for revenge? Lame.

Duana: See, I disagree...isn't this show about how the UES is different than the rest of us? Don't you need high school as a marker? Otherwise it's just Dynasty

Michelle: See I feel like this is one show that will blossom post-high school. This epsiode is extra soapy, and less snarky.

Lainey: but when you take Blair out of the equation, and put Penelope into the head girl slot, it just doesn't work.

Michelle: Agreed. Penelope is boring.

Duana: yeah, but you still need stuff like that to see how we are different. What's wrong with little J. Specifically what's wrong with her shirt? It looks like Suzy Shier.

Michelle: I think her shirt is more Urban Outfitters.


Michelle: LOVE. I'm wearing a beret tomorrow in honour of her outfit.

Lainey: Wait. Where's Vanessa??? It took us half a show to notice!

Michelle: The Club ladies are the Argyle Army.

Duana: Cap sleeves are nobody's friend, though. And I love them so

Michelle: Damn. I thought they were my friend. We will discuss in person. How many high school guys wear blazers all the time? Now Dan is too.

Duana: Chuck in a red jacket. He's so ...louche

Michelle: It's the ascot that puts in over the top. And his eyebrows are just so.

Duana: I feel like Dan and Serena either should've quit it as soon as they discovered their parents were involved or nothing will keep them apart. Incest-by-proxy-sort-of doesn't really seem like a legitimate concern for our team.

Michelle: But if the alternative is a character like Aaron, is it okay? Wait a sec, I miss making fun of Aaron.

Duana: that's what we're missing!

Lainey: sour milk.

Duana: Aaron and Little J's stupid fashion friends

Lainey: Georgina's coming back...

Michelle: Yay! I just realized Dorota is Blair's conscience.

Duana: So what does it mean that she got mad when Blair was masturbating?

Lainey: this dress is SPECTACULAR. Seriously. Oh... now i see the symmetry with Penelope. You writers, you're so clever.

Duana: Wait, where are Little J's roots?

Michelle: Hey, remember when this show was about "Who is Gossip Girl?" Does anyone really care anymore? Nelly Yuki is my new favorite.

Duana: I do like the Jenny & Eric friendship though.

Lainey: Nelly's power play killed me.

Duana: Isn't Nelly Yuki a senior though?

Michelle: Ya that's true because they tried to sabotage her college applications.

Duana: I know it's going to make my mind hurt. But can we talk about Rufus/Lily math? So the kid is 20. Serena and Dan are 17. Dan's mom knew/hated lily. Or at least knew of her. So in 3 years, Rufus met their mom, stopped being a rockstar, had babies. And in 3 years, Lily gave up a baby, decided to turn rich, married up and produced a Van Der Woodsen?

Lainey: The Hanson Brothers did the same thing. Like, remember the Hansons?

Michelle: Serena always looks lost! Every time she enters a room. Why is Jack always around? At a high school party?! Chuck looks like Rob Pattinson!

Duana: Horrifying question: Is Jack our age? Chuck’s nostrils! Again! For the second week!

Michelle: In real life, Uncle Jack is 32. NOSTRILS

Duana: Um. Problem. I don't think Chuck Bass or Ed Westwick can grow facial hair

Michelle: TRUE

Duana: OK, attraction over

Michelle: He's probably jealous of Aaron. Leighton has more wrinkles than Nicole Kidman.

Duana: I think i might hate Dan.

Lainey: You think you might?

Michelle: See, Serena looks lost again. Blair and Jack? Really? Really!

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