GOOPy is Chinese again

April 23, 2010 07:58:18 Posted at April 23, 2010 07:58:18
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Yesterday’s GOOP featured Spring Allergy and Detox Remedies – Chinese Medicine Style. Like last time, Gwyneth enlisted the help of Adele Reising. Like last time, being Chinese, I have no idea what she was writing about. Adele and G would probably say I’m just not Chinese enough. Tell that to my ma.

First thing Reising mentions is strawberries. No doubt strawberries can be cleansing, but when we need to cleanse, strawberries aren’t high on the list of go-to items for the Chinese. I’m telling you, ask anyone growing up in a Chinese household, you need some sh-t flushed out, the all purpose remedy is always congee. Eat congee, the old ladies say. To “tsing cheung wai” which translated literally means “clear the intenstines”. Strawberries? You give a Chinese person strawberries when they have a stomach ache and they’ll throw a mah-jong tile at your dumb ass.

Also – don’t understand what this essential aromatherapy business is all about and where’s the White Flower Oil? Bak Fah Yao! It has all the “scents” Reising listed – in ONE. This is what we do. We are nothing if not efficient. And Bak Fah Yao has everything in it and does everything anyway. Headache? Bak Fah Yao. Stuffy nose? Bak Fah Yao. Cramps? Bak Fah Yao. Asian grandma? They know.


Asparagus soup, after she namechecks what the French do (???) and proceeds to list “cream” in the ingredients. I don’t understand why a cream soup recipe belongs in a CHINESE DETOX formula. Does the scary yellow people food frighten the MiniVan Majority? Is that why they need the programme wrapped in a white Westernised package?

These, I’m sure, are effective detox tips. I’m sure. But they’ve been classified as Chinese Medicine Style. Where is the Chinese? I called my mother last night and asked her if strawberries, designer lavender oil, and asparagus cream soup would help get rid of the crap in my system. She told me to stop wasting her time, she was playing mah-jong.

You want it real? What we do? Aside from congee and Bak Fah Yao? Chinese soup. Pig lung soup. Pork liver soup. Herb and root soup and crazy sh-t like bird spit. Go to the Chinese mall, find the herb and root shoppe. You can’t miss it. It smells like herb and root for blocks. Usually there are specialists in the store who can design your specific potion according to your ailments. Like – my period is too heavy and I get bad cramps. Great. 10 minutes later, you have a baggie full of herbs and roots and they tell you how to boil it and it stinks up your house and tastes even worse and next time you menstruate it works better than f-cking strawberries and cream asparagus soup.

This is what would be helpful. If Adele Reising could teach us about the roots. Name the roots. I don’t know the English name of most of the roots. If I don’t know, I doubt many people know. THAT would be helpful. Or Adele Reising should go to China and follow around an old ah mah for a year or so, pick up her tricks, research the remedies, and then GOOP about it to the world. That would be helpful. Selling strawberries and asparagus soup as Chinese Medicine Style? Pass.

Click here for GOOP’s fraud Chinese detox. And here’s Gwyneth in New York yesterday with her kids wearing a similar jacket to the Elizabeth & James I’ve been yapping about for weeks only hers is not E&J because it looks all leather and much more expensive. Her hair is longer now, looks really great.

Photos from 893/

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