Don’t Bring a Butter Knife to a Gun Fight

November 21, 2014 15:42:17 Posted at November 21, 2014 15:42:17
Maria Posted by Maria
Kevin Mazur/ Getty Images

We’ve been tracking the White Girl Sh*t version of civil (literally) war between Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow for a couple months now. Martha first fired shots at Gwyneth’s acting career and Gwyneth then followed by haughtily brushing her off with a “Watch your back, b*tch” cackle. And then Martha turned G’s conscious uncoupling into a dessert in her magazine. Click here for a refresher on that.

So it’s Gwyneth’s turn to move.

This week’s issue of GOOP is a mish-mash of boring designer mom dresses and “beauty hacks” (Lainey covered this yesterday – click here if you missed it) along with no-bake desserts. I’m a terrible baker. Really, really awful -- I even manage to mess up no-bake desserts. But wedged between Pumpkin Icebox Pie and Maple Vanilla Tiramisu (not down with this flavor combo at all) is the Jailbird Cake.The chocolate wafers and cream are made to look like jail bars.

Because of Martha’s “Conscious Coupling” dig, many saw the recipe name as a jab at Martha’s Orange Is the New Black past. Even PEOPLE Magazine picked it up, with a source saying the Goop team knows how to have some fun.

So this is how white extra rich women fight: alliteration and delicious desserts. This is how women who make their own chicken stock get out their aggression.

Seriously, who bakes (sorry, no-bakes) a cake when they want to get back at someone? And they tried to shade Martha about being a jailbird, which is basically the best thing about her.

Until now, I thought Gwyneth had the upper hand in this fight as Martha seemed to be lashing out and G was simply deflecting in her maddening, passive aggressive, “It’s not me, it’s you” style. But now that a Goop source has talked to PEOPLE about the Jailbird Cake, it seems like Gwyneth wants to engage. I kind of liked it better when she was all, “Who me?” and smirking.

One of my favourite Girl Sh*t stories ever happened years ago: Kate Moss and Jade Jagger were having a tiff over a boy, and Jagger sent Moss a necklace that spelt out “Slag”.  What would be the Gwyneth/Martha equivalent of this? Martha sends Gwyneth a basket of non-organic, generic brand bath products. Gwyneth sends Martha an autographed Rachael Ray cookbook. Thank-you emails instead of personalized thank-you notes. There is no limit to blonde-on-blonde brutality.

Gwyneth read a mean tweet on Kimmel last night.

Previous Article Next Article