Down home GOOP

November 11, 2010 06:39:00 Posted at November 11, 2010 06:39:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Thank you to those who emailed your thoughts about this overnight. Especially Jonathan who went the extra step and gave me a written play-by-play. Remind me to do a poll about this during the liveblog today with Duana at Noon ET/9am PT. I’m sure Duana will have something to say about how Gwyneth Paltrow fared last night at the CMAs. But I’m not sure she can say Gwyneth was sh-t. She wasn’t sh-t. Some say she was amazing. Well, that’s an overstatement. The point is though, it wasn’t a disaster. And it was never going to be a disaster. This is Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s not Heidi Montag. The Gwyneth Paltrows of the world do not f-ck up spectacularly. She wouldn’t have agreed to do it if there was a chance she would f-ck up spectacularly. And she had Vince Gill with her to hold her hand. So no, just as I called it a few weeks ago, my G did not give them something to shred.

Does she deserve some credit? She sang live, and a lot stronger than many. Even a few on the same night. Was it bust assing amazing? Please. No. It was good enough though... for someone WHO DOESN’T DO THIS. If that had been Faith Hill, well, it may have been just, just, juuuuust average.

You know she’s my girl though so, yeah, I’m going to say I was proud. I was happy for her at the end, the look of relief on her face. And then a little smugness. As if to say – see motherf-ckers, they put me on last, the final act of the night, and I delivered, I can really be all things. There. Now you can hate her!

But she was nervous there at the beginning, non? Definitely not comfortable. Even a little waver which, I don’t know, I very much enjoyed. This is the pedigreed Gwyneth Paltrow who can, literally, open any door. And she was legitimately worried. These moments don’t happen often, they certainly won’t happen often now that her performance is being called a success – even the British press couldn’t find enough reason to slag her today – so you enjoy them while you can. Because going forward, my G won’t be so vulnerable. She won’t be eating it anymore the way she ate it last night.

Gwyneth worked that carpet with the fans in a way she has never done before. She is glad-handing media while holding back her bile. She had to sit in the front row and suck in her sh-t in the face of Country Bitch Carrie Underwood’s condescension, masquerading, naturally, as a compliment:

“It takes a lot to come to our town and sing on our stage.”

Can you imagine? THE Gwyneth Paltrow being talked down to by Carrie Underwood??? You know how I feel about Carrie Underwood, but you also know how I love the girl sh-t power plays. That was GOLD. Oh but don’t worry. Carrie will get hers soon enough.

For now though it’s Gwyneth’s standing ovation and the motivation behind this recent front of humility, these obsequious attempts to ingratiate herself to the country public, even in dress choice.

Sweet Jesus Lord, this is not London Gwyneth. It is not New York Gwyneth. This is Nashville Gwyneth inspired by Faith Hill. Can’t you see it on Faith Hill? Or her other friend Sheryl Crow? My G is wearing it for the people. And the end goal is BEYOND the people.

Yes, she wants Country Strong to succeed in the country market. But she needs it to succeed in the country market so that it can start spinning towards the Grammys, and then...

The Kodak Theatre.


Everyone assumes G wants to go back to Oscar for the acting.

But have you ever considered how much more insufferable she’d be if she actually makes it to the Recording Academy and then the Academy Awards?

Consider this:

Country Strong as a single was released on August 23, 2010. The Grammy deadline this year? August 31, 2010.

And at the Oscars there’s always a Best Song.

Oh no she didn’t.

Oh but yes she’s trying.

And she’s asking Nashville to help her. If Nashville helps her, she’ll tell them she’ll represent them in Hollywood on February 27, 2011.

It’s an audacious plan, pretty f-cking bold. But if it works, look out. She will never, EVER let you forget it.

PS. Today’s GOOP newsletter features her friend Jessica Seinfeld, wife of Jerry, and also tight with the Mighty Opes. Just in case you forgot that everyone’s in bed together.

Photos from

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