G’s Worst Cover

August 9, 2007 07:12:11 Posted at August 9, 2007 07:12:11
Lainey Posted by Lainey

W Magazine – super arty and high fashion, so it’s not unusual, the Beckham sex spread notwithstanding, for the publication to not only render its over subjects virtually unrecognisable but also often embarrassingly unattractive.

But still… this is an all time achievement in ugly.

Holy f&ck does my Gwyneth look ugly. What’s most insulting is not that she looks like a tranny but that she looks so TACKY. And remember this is Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t rock Eurotrash. But the orange skin, the pale lips, the heavy heavy eyebrows – I’m telling you, this is the French Riviera and every Russian mail order bride married to an obscenely wealthy arms dealer sailing from port to port on a yacht called Oksana.

Yes…the cover sucks ass. Hard.

The inside however…the inside isn’t so bad. The inside has its moments. And I can see why they went there. Again, W Magazine isn’t Estee Lauder or Good Housekeeping. W Magazine isn’t for the MiniVan Majority. I’m down with the fact that she wanted to change it up a bit. The side profile shot is beautiful – Gwyneth’s famous patrician bone structure… I can almost hear her sniffing disapprovingly at the maid for buying non-organic yoghurt.

My favourite though is the one on crutches. Her expression, the shape of her body, the way she’s standing – it reminds me of my Gwynnie pre Chris, before Apple…the Gwyneth of Brad.

Speaking of Chris, have I mentioned the rumour floating around London that he cheated on her? No longer a teetotaler and possibly a philanderer? It’s a rumour, not slamdunk, but there have been whispers.

As for the article itself – rather boring, I’m afraid. G’s life is not about drama. And so there’s very little to speak of. She’s making a comeback, she loves working again, she’s starring in The Good Night, directed by her brother, with Penelope Cruz and Martin Freeman. Martin, for those of you who watch The Office (the original) is the one who played Tim. But I remember him most in Love Actually – he was the porn stand-in, remember?

And The Good Night will also feature Simon Pegg. Must. See.

Gwyneth and Jake (her brother) were supposed to have collaborated much earlier for the screen adaptation of The Secret History – wicked book. Don’t know what happened to that.

But I digress. About the W interview – Gwyneth of course will appear in the upcoming Iron Man, a big budget release next year starring Robert Downey Jr. RDJ had to personally convince G to play Pepper Potts. I do love his approach. Here’s his argument:

"Don"t you want to be in a movie that people see?" And I was like, Whoa! What would that feel like?" she recalls, chuckling. "And he"s right. Moviemaking is not supposed to be a masturbatory exercise; it"s supposed to be shared by other people."


And a very telling paragraph from the piece towards the very end – the essence of Gwyneth, her exclusionary attitude, her condescension, and above all her refusal to apologise for it, even AFTER she’s apologised for it:

Whether the multiplex masses will pay to see Paltrow as a superhero"s leading lady, however, remains to be seen. For all her acting ability and natural glamour, she has never exuded the easy likability of Cameron Diaz or Reese Witherspoon. There"s nothing goofy or girl-next-door about her. She attended the poshest of posh Manhattan private schools; she"s a champion of gloomy art-house fare (think Sylvia); she"s talked in the past, at length, about her devotion to all things detoxed and macrobiotic; and she"s an ardent Anglophile who, for the past few years, has spent the preponderance of her time in (Chris) Martin"s native England.

This last bit seems to irk American audiences most. Last December, for example, she took a lot of heat in the press after a Portuguese newspaper quoted her as saying that "the British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans" and that she preferred the English way to the "capitalistic" American lifestyle. "I went nuts over that," says Paltrow, who insists she was misquoted. "I love America, and I"m an American through and through. But the conservative media won"t let it go…. People love to give you a moniker and then, you know, they"ve designed this hole for you that you have to fit in."

My best friend is a bitch. Praise Thetan, Ah-Xenu.


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