Covers induce eyerolls

January 20, 2010 08:22:00 Posted at January 20, 2010 08:22:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Where is People Magazine? Well, it jumps from ass to ass. Sometimes it lives inside Chris Brown’s ass. Sometimes Tori Spelling’s. This week, you can find People Magazine happily ensconced inside the Pilates toned posterior of “Rachel from Friends” who graces the cover with the MiniVan friendly headline:

5 years after Brad – Fun, Flirty & 40!


Really?

Because to me it’s the opposite. How empowering is it to have the world count down the length of time you’ve been divorced, and, despite claims of independence and “fierceness”, to STILL have to share space with the ex husband? Brad Pitt’s NAME IS ON THE COVER. It means she cannot stand alone. And THAT is what you call a backhanded compliment.

Cleverness from People?

Hardly. Their unintentional insult only reinforces the truth: Jennifer Aniston is nothing without men. As the poster girl for “the everywoman”, it’s truly an illustration of how far back we are going.

On the flipside, there’s The One We All Must Fear. She’s darkhaired and big-lipped, she's sexual, she’s aggressive, she should stay away from your husband...

She is Angelina Jolie.

In Touch Weekly’s cover feature this week is an explosive revelation from a former employee at the Waldorf Astoria who was fired in December for being too slow. Anna Kowalski had access to the Brange suite for months. Anna suggests that one day last year, when Angelina was staying on her own shooting Salt while Brad was with the kids at their mansion, her language tutor was invited inside the bedroom and they f-cked all night on black rubber sheets with sex toys and vodka.

Because infidelity Angelina Jolie styles isn’t vanilla and conventional, oh no. Infidelity Angelina Jolie styles is some kinky sh-t that housewives are afraid of.

For more from In Touch Weekly’s exclusive cheating Jolie story click here.

PS. The celebrity treatment at the Waldorf Astoria must be some kind of amazing. Because the civilian experience at the Waldorf Astoria is horrid. The place is a dump. It’s old and drafty and smelly. Last summer I was there, we had to change rooms 3 times. In fairness the service is excellent. But what good is great service when you don’t want to sleep in their beds?


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