Jennifer Aniston, Eternal Victim

December 6, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at December 6, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
It’s a shame, really. A shame that the GMD couldn’t have been more patient, waited a few more months for Jen before kidnapping Katie. Because when you think about it, when it comes to media manipulation, the incessant need for attention, the hypocrisy, the fraud, the lies, the excuses – when you think about it, what two people are better suited for each other than Jennifer Aniston and Tom Cruise??? As I mentioned last Friday, Angelina’s Vogue cover issue drops in a week. And given that the Pitts have steadily stayed relevant while Jen has languished in unemployment, can you blame her for telling her publicist Stephen Huvane to tell her other publicist People Magazine to manufacture yet another lie just in time to capitalise on the generous holiday spirit of the MiniVan Majority? Of course not, gossips. This is textbook Aniston – at once complaining about media interest in her personal life, only to turn around 5 minutes later and publicly announce the details of her split to a man we were never really sure she was dating in the first place. Vintage, non? Problem is - one lie begets another lie. And after lying about NOT breaking up when Janice Min and Us Weekly reported that Vince Vaughn had dumped her ass for being too needy and dramatic, after running to Oprah to make sure the blind were still following, Jen has had to lie yet again to make sure her official, sanctioned break up confirmation doesn’t unravel any of her previous fabrications… Which is why Huvane, in his statement to People, had to go out of his way to underscore that the split occurred AFTER “Jennifer"s trip to London several weeks ago”. A curiously detailed announcement, don’t you think? Please, bitch…you really need to stop. We can smell your sad cover- up a mile away. And we can smell his relief from here too. Poor Vince. Wound up tighter than her Pilates ass for over a year, bored out of his frickin’ tree, tired of being trotted out conveniently in a futile attempt to take on the media juggernaut known as Brangelina, tired of watching her not eat at dinner, tired of the girlfriend cleansing/bonding/crying weekends…clearly Vince was dying inside, clearly Vince is already celebrating his freedom – there’s no hurt an Eastern Bloc stripper can’t undo, you know what I mean? As for Jen, turning 38 in February - a career that has stalled, a personality that is evidently toxic, as Brad hopes for Oscar with Angie by his side…well…suffice to say – it’s panic time. And for Jennifer Aniston, that can only mean one thing: more deception, more work for her publicist, maybe an interview with Vanity Fair and that obnoxious cow Leslie Bennetts, more tears, more tissues, more “revelations”, maybe even an unclever dig at Vince (Elvis called – he wants his bloat back), topped off by another visit to Oprah’s couch at which time The Opes will hoot and holler and shout til she’s blue in the face, extolling the virtues of being single and proud and how important it is to love yourself before loving anyone else, and Jen will say – Yes, yes! I love myself through meditation and yoga and conversations with the Ocean, and the MiniVan Audience will lose its sh-t at the profound profundity of that statement, and everyone will rip off their bras and empower themselves and cry until they laugh and laugh until they pass out and THAT is why I don’t watch Oprah. Seriously though, I do want Jen to be happy. Because maybe if she’s happy she’ll finally stop trying to be interesting. And maybe then she’ll realise, like her best friend Courteney Cox, that she’s better off finding lasting love on the B list, time to put away those “tv girl” delusions of grandeur and get with John Stamos, as I’ve been suggesting for almost 2 years. He’s Greek, she’s Greek, he wants babies, she wants to pretend that she wants babies, he’s goodlooking in that unintimidating way, she’s goodlooking in that I’m-pretty-but-not-enough-for-your-husband-to-cheat-on-you kind of way – if Tom Cruise is unavailable, don’t you think Jen and John are the next best thing? I’m telling you gossips…it’s enough to warrant an honourary statue from the People’s Choice Awards and really, isn’t that really the best she’ll ever get? Ps. Does anyone else find it funny? The rumours Jen was tapped for a reality tv show? Dancing with the Stars? And that people actually BELIEVED IT??? Never mind the break up, never mind getting dumped - THIS is BY FAR more embarrassing than anything else. Hee. Source and Source
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