MiniVan Morning Porn

February 10, 2010 15:01:25 Posted at February 10, 2010 15:01:25
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Ryan Gosling, where are you? I need you. Because it’s been a long ass day. Between the Olympics and blogging and rehearsals and a thousand emails on both accounts, this is the sh-t that completely picked my ass. I need a distraction from the sugar raping poseur vagina monologue delivered by Taupe and Shelfy on Good Morning America. It’s revolting. Hello Ryan? Please go buy some coffee and call the paps. It’s an emergency.

Have you seen it?

They’re travelling the country now as BFFs selling their insipid new movie Valentine’s Day. All of a sudden we’re expected to believe that they could actually be Laverne & Shirley. WHAT? L&S had personality. And charisma. At best Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel are boring. At worse, they are f-cking annoying.

Here they are, all girly giggly, fronting to Oprah’s audience that they are totally all about lady power and hanging out and being “real” because women never get to work together in Hollywood. So it’s, like, yeah, so empowering to be able to be on a film set together. And talk about it on national television. While promoting a movie called Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day. About how all women want romance and romantic comedies define our expectations and falling in love is the end goal, period, yay. Sure. Let’s cater to the bullsh-t they keep feeding our girls: pink is pretty, boys are cute, bonding = shopping, fulfillment = a diamond ring the size of my ass.


This coming from a girl (Biel) who used her body to further her career and has no discernible talent or skill platform on which to base her success...this is lady power? As for Garner, well, let’s consider her recent comments about baby weight. There are a few notable themes at play here. I’ve highlighted one of them:

"I'm not going to starve myself because I have a baby to take care of and nourish and that's way more important than whatever my brain thinks it needs to do. I do feel pressure, but I can't make it come off any faster than it does and I can't seem to be pregnant without gaining 45 pounds, so there's not a lot I can do about it. I wish there was because I do feel the pressure and I do see the cameras, it's the one time where having people follow you and take pictures is excruciating."

The one time? So if you’re skinny, it’s ok to keep taking your picture?

This is what happens when a celebrity tries to mix up too many platitudes. She’s getting confused. Because what she’s saying isn’t what she’s believing, what she’s saying is what she wants YOU to believe. Big difference.

Taupe is trying to be “Just like us!”, hoping we’ll relate to her weight issues, hoping the other mommies will see that they and she, they’re one in the same. In doing so, in disingenuously reaching out to the MiniVan, she forgot to pretend that she hates the paps.

It’s a mystery to me why these women, the MiniVan Majority, keep allowing themselves to be frauded out by this kind of bullsh-t. She has money and help. And she’s not carrying extra weight. She’s skinny as f-ck. She’s become MORE famous because of the baby photos and the stroller shots. But they give her a “line” and she delivers it, and all of a sudden it’s Jennifer Garner is so “authentic” and gossip bloggers are so mean. What exactly happens to rational analysis when one reads People Magazine?

Photos from Jackson Lee/

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