Valentine’s Day is coming up. The occasion and the movie. Since the film stars almost everyone in Hollywood, they’re now all covering magazines and appearing on talk shows to promote it. Jessica Biel ended up on Vogue. And her BFF Taupe Garner gets Parade. Safe.
The interview is predictably beige. Jennifer Garner is like chicken breast: dry and flavourless, even though she said, hilariously, on the carpet during the Globes that she and Shelfy get along because they both have “dirty minds”.
Taupe is as square as they come. Her favourite curse word is “RATS”. How exciting is a broad who can’t call a mother-cker a mother-cker?
Well, she claims she is. She claims she and Ben Affleck can get down:
"You steal the time. You steal a date, you steal a kiss, you steal a whisper. You sit next to each other on the couch with computers on your laps. After the kids are asleep you...well, you know. Whatever it is. You slip away for a night, which we've only just now done for the first time. Of course, I call home while we're away. Ben would be surprised if I didn't."
Well sh-t. Stealing whispers makes me horny too. What else besides the whispers is it that keeps the Taupes connected?
"Ben is sexy and kind, but he's also a riot. We can be very goofy together."
Is goofy how he courted her? Not exactly. Remember, this is for the MiniVan. So you have to imagine it’s like a Nicholas Sparks novel.
"Well, it helped that we were both single at the time. He's a very good writer. Don't make assumptions. I didn't say that (he wrote me letters)! Okay...e-mail. He's a very persuasive writer."
I’m sorry, are you bored?
Boring as she is, the message here is clear – life for the Taupes is not unlike this photo shoot: it’s all flowers and balloons and, no matter the blonde, no matter the curves, it’s the preservation of the flowers and balloons that matters most.
Click here to read Jennifer Garner’s complete interview with Parade.
Click here to see more photos.