Jennifer Lopez: Hollywood Voldemort?

July 5, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at July 5, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
My thanks to the lovely Samantha S for the deliciously smutty tip! But first…some background. Three marriages ago and way, way before superstardom, Jennifer Lopez was hitched to a man named Ojani Noa. He was a waiter, she was an ambitious actress, they fell in love, her career took off, and she ditched him shortly after. Oddly enough, they did remain friends for a while, even through her 2nd union with Cris Judd and the golden age we call Bennifer. Ever the generous diva, Jenny gave the ex a job managing her new restaurant. Things were swell. And then something happened, something about him swindling her, they had a falling out, he got fired, she paid him off with a six figure settlement, and of course he decided to write a tell all book exposing her deepest darkest secrets. Some of those secrets are standard Hollywood fare. That Jennifer cheated with Marc Anthony while he was still married to Miss Universe, that she"s a money hungry whore who will do anything for glory - nothing you didn"t know, nothing that should shock you. Needless to say, Mrs Anthony was enraged. And she has since initiated court proceedings to block Ojani"s tome. But, as you can see from these documents obtained by The Smoking Gun, Jennifer Lopez is more than a simple Hollywood famewhore. According to Ojani Noa, she"s also allegedly a voodoo mistress, known for cursing her enemies with sinister spells and evil misfortune. Apparently, even P Diddy was the recipient of these dark powers, as was a "particular unnamed lady" she found exceptionally offensive. Jennifer Lopez is Voldemort??? Really??? So here"s the million dollar question: who was on the receiving end of this supposed mystical attack? Who could have possibly pissed off Jenny to the point of pins and needles…literally??? Let"s discuss, shall we? Because girlfriend has certainly made some enemies in her day. And in the interest of time, we"ll keep it to a select few. Madonna: I recall she openly criticised Madonna for being a sh*tty singer and a sh*tty actor. Not exactly wrong…but still. Have you seen Enough? Yes. Enough. Anyway, there are some who believe that J.Lo covets Madge"s throne, and that in Jen"s quest to become the ultimate diva, Madge has always been a lifelong adversary. Which kind of makes sense. I mean, seriously…the only hope in hell Jenny has of taking down the Madgesty is to round up all the supernatural assistance she can possibly enlist, including every Death Eater from here to Azkaban…and a few Dementors probably wouldn"t hurt either. Mariah Carey: Lopez is signed to Tommy Mottola"s label and Tommy happens to be Mimi"s ex so you can see why these two are far from friendly. Mimi also has the advantage of actually being able to carry a tune and I believe she holds the distinction of having the most #1s in history. However, since we don’t know exactly when the voodoo doll poking actually happened, it"s hard to say whether or not the animosity between these two was even relevant at the time. Having said that, I can totally picture them going tit a tit in a full scale Diva Armageddon and it certainly wouldn"t surprise me if Jennifer tried to get a spooky advantage in the situation by any sinister means necessary. Gwyneth Paltrow: Lopez levelled some pretty snotty remarks against my best friend around the time she decided to publicly disrespect Madonna. Something about Gwyneth having no talent but becoming famous and getting killer roles simply because she dated Brad Pitt. And to that I give you 4 words: Diddy.Versace.Green.Dress. Professional jealousy notwithstanding, there"s also the Ben Affleck factor. It is well known that Gwynnie was Ben"s gold standard - the one who got away, the one he couldn"t keep, the one against whom everyone else would be measured. Needless to say, this probably didn"t sit well with J.Lo. A potent combination for a potent, black magic grudge, non? BUT, if it WAS Gwyneth she was after, I really don"t know why she bothered. Like any of that voodoo business is a match for Ms Paltrow"s affected, withering, uppercrust glare. I mean, have you ever been properly told off by a British person? There really isn"t anything like it. (And YES, save your emails... I know GP isn"t English! THAT is the point!) Jennifer Garner: rumoured to have had a tryst with Ben while filming Daredevil, just months before Bennifer was born and during the time Lopez and Ojani were still on good terms. Not a likely candidate if you ask me because you know as well as I do, Jenny from the Bronx could crush Jenny from West Virginia before you can say ding ding. Surely she wouldn"t have wasted a good spell on such a bland little tv girl, non? Salma Hayek: lump her in with Madge and Paltrow, same interview, same dismissal, same origin of rivalry. And as legend has it, these two Latinas fought bitterly over the rights to the Kahlo biopic. I"d have to say this one is probably the front runner for me. Oftentimes it’s the ones we"re compared to that we resent the most. And THIS, my fellow gossips, is the epic intergalactic battle I"d like to see the most. Salma Hayek screaming her head off in rapid English is a sight to behold. Which is why I"m going to give her a slight edge. You?
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