Ass Talk

June 1, 2007 00:00:00 Posted at June 1, 2007 00:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

There’s something to be said about the beauty of Managed Expectations, you know? Some people get it, some people don’t overreach – broken record, I know, and still every day, another two bit tv actress comes along and wants to be Cate Blanchett.

Which is why it’s so refreshing that Katie Heigl has no such delusions.

The success of Grey’s Anatomy notwithstanding, Katherine isn’t silly enough to think, worse yet, to believe and consequently actually pursue the other side of the coin. Said she:

"I just want to play happy people. I"m a commercial kind of gal, and yeah, I would love to do a `Monster," but I don"t have any grand aspirations to do my Academy Award-winning movie. I love Kate Winslet, but I know I couldn"t have her career."

The same could NOT be said of Jessica Alba who keeps dressing like a frigid congressman’s wife trying to convince her public that she’s more than just the best ass ever – an exercise in futility of course because Jessica Alba is just Jessica Alba, the best ass ever…period.

Unfortunately for her, she’s now taken that well worn road so many misguided beauties have taken before her…the absolute worst worst worst move ever: downplaying her gorgessity – an insult to regular looking people everywhere. New interview with Parade Magazine, full of bitch…please.

“Most days I wake up and look in the mirror and go, ‘ugh.’ I don’t really think I look all that great.”

And don’t confuse her with Lindsay and Paris either – the Alba Demon wants movie execs to know she’s a “serious” actress:
“Sometimes I like to go out, but usually after work I just go home, take a bath, watch movies. Instead of going out, I’d rather have my friends over and play games at my house—stupid games like charades or Pictionary or Monopoly. Or maybe Between the Sheets—it’s an easy way to win your money back when you’ve lost it all in poker.”

Then of course it’s golf – she’s not hip and trendy…she’s actually DORKY because she plays golf!!!
“I like to play golf. Is that real dorky? When I’m chilled out and relaxed, my long game is better. I can drive the ball two hundred yards, and that’s not bad. It’s just a game for now, but when I’m on the senior tour, then we’ll have to talk again.”

Spoken like a true golf poser. Like people who read science fiction and tell you that they read science fiction because they want you to think they’re nerds. Please. No one who actually plays golf would ever call it dorky. But anyone who wants to make people believe she plays golf will always talk about her long game.

And finally, about her image – the ulterior motive, the ultimate fantasy, Jessica Alba wants to produce movies!
“I’m in a business that’s completely driven by white males. The majority of writers and directors are men. And even though I’m not, like, such a huge feminist, I do want to produce movies on my own that are female-driven and empowering to women. Variety is good. The woman’s voice really isn’t present in Hollywood. This year, for once in my life, I hope I’ll have the power to start doing what I really want to do. Maybe people will kind of see me for who I am instead of just basing their opinion on some paparazzi’s pictures of me taken on the beach. I could give two sh-ts about (the paps). They’re so lame, I can’t even believe that’s a real job. I can’t imagine they even pay taxes.”

And this is what kills me. Would you even know Jessica Alba if not for the pappies? Would you even care for Jessica Alba if not for the beach shots of her ass? Shall we revisit the beach shots of her ass? Or wait…is it her ACTING that’s made her a household name?


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