Jessica Alba: JLo wannabe

March 16, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at March 16, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
So obvious it"s almost insulting. And more than a little sad. In fact, one of the most tragic things about the Hollywood illusion is that too often, the actual players themselves start believing in the impossible. They begin to believe that they are more than they can ever be. And when this happens, when celebrities cease to objectively analyse and understand their limitations, the results can be disastrous. Jennifer Aniston"s movie career comes to mind. As does Brittany Murphy"s trash-to-class makeover attempt. So misguided, so heartbreaking. Especially in Brittany"s case. Because she is a sweetheart to the max. But elegance and grace (style-wise) will never be adjectives to describe our girl. Nor will Murphy ever excel at the romantic comedy. For her, it"s best to stay with edgy indie grooves. I hope she realises this before it"s too late. Jessica Alba seems to have been bitten by the same delusional bug. All of a sudden, she wants serious roles. She wants to downplay her blazing sexuality. She doesn"t not want to be known for just having a crazy ass body. The problem is the girl ain"t got much beyond the outside package. Don"t believe me? Rent Honey. Then rent Into the Blue. If you thought it was impossible for anyone to out-suck Paul Walker in the acting department, think again. And in spite of all this - Into the Blue was bearable. It was bearable because half the time she was in her bikini, distracting us from the rather unimaginative happy/sad/mad rotation that makes up most of her dramatic repertoire. Needless to say, straying outside of the skin flick genre is going to be a huge mistake. But since I can"t stand the bitch, I"m really not that broken up about it. What I am broken up about is this FHM spread. It is the most ridiculous thing I have seen in days. FHM stands for "For Horny Males". And any magazine "for horny males" should, in my opinion, have a generously healthy-sized offering of hooty AND booty. We"re talking self breast cuppage, lots of spread eagle, ass bent over in your face shots, water and hard nipples through tiny tank tops, and a little finger licking wouldn"t hurt either. But check out these photos. You tell me. Does this meet your standard "horny male" requirement??? Take it from someone who is married to a heathen. The horny factor is seriously lacking. So lacking it becomes offensive. Just as offensive, in fact, as the new "no-trans fat" Oreo cookie - the current bane of my existence. And if you don"t want to listen to me rag on Mr. Christie, you should stop reading now and skip to the next. What is the point of taking "trans fat" out of the Oreo cookie? Do people who eat Oreo cookies really care about trans fats??? And conversely, do people who care about trans fats really eat Oreo cookies? Take Fiona, for example. One of my best friends. I love her but she is a freak. When she wants a snack, she peels an orange. If she"s feeling super crazy, she might have some granola or nuts. Once in while, she"ll decide to shock her system and indulge in 5 potato chips. Five. And this is the kind of discipline that has enabled her to run in several half marathons and have the body of a friggin" professional athlete. Fiona is gorgeous and she doesn"t eat Oreo cookies. I, on the other hand, am addicted to Oreo cookies. I have loved them since birth. And like all people who love Oreos, I have a particular method of eating them that is just as satisfying, if not more, than the actual eating of the cookie itself. I"ll spare you the details except to say that the first step, critical to the entire process, is to twist off the top wafer, leaving the cream centre on one side, and an almost clean surface on the other. The problem with the new "no trans fat" Oreo is that all the fatty lardy good stuff has been taken out, reducing the "slick" factor of the cream centre which is the best part. When you take away the slick, you take away the ability to swiftly twist off the top. And what happens is that the two wafers cling to the white stuff and they don"t slide off without crumbling. I know this because I go through a bag of Oreos once a week. A regular size bag comes in a 3 compartment carton. Each compartment contains 10 cookies. And in my experience, the success rate of twisting off the top from the cream without breakage is only 2 cookies in a row of 10. And 20% is a failing grade. And this is what I think of Jessica Alba"s FHM photo shoot. What is the point of taking the trans fat, the overt, crassy horniness out of FHM? Who goes to FHM to look for glossy high fashion? This, my friends, is 20% horniness, 80% bland, and 100% inadequate. Not being invited to appear in Vogue is one thing, but why pose for FHM if you"re just going to remove the erection factor and make us settle for a second rate Jennifer Lopez??? Total disappointment, y"all. It"s a total disappointment.
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