Jessica Alba Gossip

Jessica Alba gossip, latest news, photos, and video.

Thursday, August 17, 2006 Dear gossips, Had to laugh Wednesday AM after technical difficulties prompted the following message from Kevin L in Toronto: "My conspiracy theory - Could it be that the GMD is coming after you because of all the correct info you have posted about Him and his Fake Family? And that is why the server you are on has crashed? I was looking forward to your scoops, and just cant get in. Damn the GMD and his minions." Flattered for the concern, Kevin and fortunately, I"m safe from the Crazy"s clutches for now. Server went sideways early Wednesday morning, resulting in many of you not getting your fix until later on in the day. Remember you can always subscribe which means you receive the full text of the column emailed to your inbox without the photos so you can always check the site for visual later. Hope that helps. As Herro Kitty would say: appreciate muchly your patience today and going forward for the next couple of days while we sort this out. Thank you, love you, owe you. And in case you missed Wednesday"s column, please click on "THIS WEEK" on the left hand side of the page and scroll down til you find August 16th. Quick short blast today since Hollywood hibernation (read: colonics, Botox, last minute tucking) is in full effect, preparing for super smut season just ahead. Emmys, VMAs, both leading in to the Toronto International Film Festival, award season releases dropping in the Fall, major premieres as Oscar contenders begin to emerge in earnest… we need to rest up too, savvy? By all accounts, it"s going to be frickin" madness from late August until March and if I have to keep up, YOU have to keep up! This issue: campaigning for Kate, Dina Lohan - model mother, Beyonce - model for madness, Jessica Alba - model for bitch, and the final verdict on Penelope Cruz. PS. Forgive me, please, if I seem a little…distracted. Just came from a screening of The Illusionist and, um, Edward Norton? Total Quiveration Nation. So much so that he"s just leapfrogged Hot Harry. PPS. Sweet Goddess - can we get through one f&cking day without hearing about Jennifer Aniston talking about the engagement that she doesn"t want to talk about but keeps talking about anyway because she can"t stand not talking about it??? Yesterday it was Courteney Cox as the mouthpiece. Now it"s an exclusive denial through People Magazine, turning what was a one week headline into a neverending one, showing yet again how puppetted we all are by the one and only Stephen Huvane. Seriously…if the Beckhams want America, they best hire him. And please don"t tell me there isn"t some very clever media manipulation going on here. You already know my theory , now take a look at Perez who has gone deliciously apesh*t on Jen"s toit tanned ass for the big giant fraud that just won"t die. Click here to get his take on the situation and while we may differ on logistics, we definitely agree on the crux: the "girl next door"? She don"t exist, y"all. What you see is spin, spin, spin.

Jessica Alba: a real bitch never learns

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 17, 2006 12:00:00 August 17, 2006 12:00:00

Wishful thinking I suppose but not even a lightning bolt can tame the terror that is Jessica Alba. And she continues to rage across my great country, unable to suppress the insurmountable C-bomb forever housed inside her perfect physique. Full Story

Jessica Alba: a warning from the Goddess

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 10, 2006 12:00:00 August 10, 2006 12:00:00

Next to the likes of Tori Spelling and Heather Mills, Jessica Alba"s sins might be slight. But like all breeds of fungus, this bitch is growing exponentially and the Goddess is watching, waiting, and warning. For a refresher on the Alba antics, enter "Alba" in the search field and click on go. The quick and dirty? She"s a petty, jealous, mean spirited cow who will not hesitate to spit on the little people and, as I"ve said before, I"ve got over a dozen eager victims lined up and waiting for camera time to share their story on television. Full Story

Ryan & Rachel: the anti-Notebook

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 3, 2006 12:00:00 August 3, 2006 12:00:00

A sighting and some smut…the perfect combination! My girlfriend Angie happens to live on Seymour in Vancouver, just across from where Rachel was shooting yesterday. Rachel was walking to the set, eating watermelon. Angie passed her on the street, super close. Being the friendly girl she is, Angie was like "Oh! Hi!" and Rachel - unlike that f&cking bitch Jessica Alba - said "Hi" back. Full Story

Wednesday, August 2, 2006 Dear gossips, Sorry to disappoint but there will be no Mel bashing today. Or any other day. Because child star child molesters and suicidal middle aged racist hatemongers do no constitute my idea of fun smut. Instead, let"s focus on Paris Hilton"s black hole vajayjay and the feng shui nightmare raining down on Tori Spelling. But… if you"re looking for a final word on what I think of Mel and some more thoughts on why Dina Lohan is primed for Hades, help yourself to this recent article from The Canadian Press (thanks Andrea!) for which I was asked to offer commentary. In today"s issue: a column with Canadian colours - on Ryan, Ryan, Alanis, Rachel, and Elisha; on Tori"s tough times; on Buffy"s limp career; on Ricky Bobby and the Gay Midget Dwarf; on the Alba bitch and her piss pants attitude; on anorexics, recovered and otherwise; and a little Zizou to get you through the midweek hump.

Jessica Alba:not eating makes you a crankier bitch

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 2, 2006 12:00:00 August 2, 2006 12:00:00

If you"re new to the site and you need some background, go through the archives and read up on how she steps on the little people. I can line up at least half a dozen civilians who"ve been personally either yelled at or snubbed by her highness and all for the great crime of waving or asking for an autograph or - shocker of shockers! - telling her how much they love her. Full Story

Team Kiki

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 19, 2006 12:00:00 July 19, 2006 12:00:00

If there’s a lesson to be learned from Tori Spelling’s homewrecking, mother slandering, and father neglecting, or from Hilary Swank’s despicable public outing of a recovering addict, it is that our Hollywood Hate Targets must be reassessed and re-plotted along the Hollywood Hate Spectrum. By putting Tori and Hilary and KFed on one side of the scale, it allows us to accurately measure all other celebrity flaws and misdemeanours against the heinous crimes of Spelling and Swank, thereby providing a definitive frame of reference and allowing us to allot our hate more effectively. Full Story

The MTV Movie Awards

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 4, 2006 12:00:00 June 4, 2006 12:00:00

I know this might sound obvious but MTV is not the Oscars. You know that. I know that. But Jessica Alba doesn’t know it and this assy classy makeover is making her look about as interesting as Sarah Michelle Gellar’s career. Translation – Not. There is no point in being that beautiful if you’re not going to let yourself sizzle. Full Story

Worst Dressed & Most Disappointing: Jessica Alba

Lainey Posted by Lainey at June 4, 2006 12:00:00 June 4, 2006 12:00:00

And no. It’s not only because I can’t stand her. It’s also because she arrived on the red carpet in a black dress with her hair swept up looking like she was headed for a White House dinner. But that’s not all. Jessica Alba showed up as the host of the MTV Movie Awards wearing a black dress and PANTYHOSE!!! BLACK pantyhose! So. Full Story

Girlcrushing on Audrey Tautou

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 18, 2006 12:00:00 May 18, 2006 12:00:00

Oh gorgessity. Definitely lesbian movement au loins. Audrey Tautou: absolutely French and completely breathtaking. She’s thin, yes, but don’t you think some people just look better that way? Born to be skinny and little and healthy – the only form their bodies can possibly take? Audrey is one of those rare birds. Full Story

Jessica Alba: overdressed & underintelligent

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 14, 2006 12:00:00 May 14, 2006 12:00:00

Last I checked, we were in the middle of May. And bitch chose to wear a friggin’ scarf to Joe Francis’s birthday party??? Yes, gossips. It’s all part of the ridiculous and delusional grand master classy makeover. Pul-ease. Judge for yourself. When she’s covered up from top to bottom, no skin, no tits, no beautiful round globules undulating about in an itty bitty bikini in the blue Caribbean water…do you *really* care about Jessica Alba??? Nah…didn’t think so. Full Story