Shelfy’s Best Work

September 29, 2008 12:05:00 Posted at September 29, 2008 12:05:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Jessica Biel… she’s like the Tiger Woods of famewhorage, you know? Shelfy keeps outdoing herself. Predicable yes, but nonetheless, the sheer shamelessness of her constant campaigns is impressive. And the latest is the best yet. Because it covers so many angles.

1. You’ll recall, a couple of weeks ago, her Easy Virtue director was quoted calling her an idiot for mistaking a baby ferris wheel for the London Eye.

2. And as always, she also needs to remind you that Pippy Justin Timberlake intends to marry her.

And so this morning, a curiously detailed article appeared on People.com. It’s too good not to reprint in its entirety below:

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel continued their romantic Roman holiday Friday with some vintage jewelry shopping.

Their purchases: A diamond bracelet and ring, both from the 1970s, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

The couple spent about an hour at the unmarked shop, located on a cobblestone street near the Via Condotti, Rome's poshest shopping area.

The tiny shop – about the size of two phone booths – specializes in 1950s to 1970s era jewelry. (It has very little jewelry on display, but there's a huge built-in safe.)

Timberlake and Biel – who came to the shop on a recommendation – asked the shop assistant to empty the safe, and Biel proceeded to try on nearly every piece.

One particularly interesting piece? A 17th century necklace. When Biel found out how old it was, Timberlake started serenading her with a song from the soundtrack to Easy Virtue, her upcoming period film.

"I could tell they had very refined taste because they asked about the history of all the jewelry," shop owner Nicola Boncompagni tells PEOPLE. She added that the couple seemed "shy but in love."

Biel chose not to wear any of the purchases immediately – preferring to have the jewelry delivered to their hotel.


Let’s break it down, shall we?

Amazingly enough, even though their every move in Rome has been photographed for posterity by the paps, somehow they managed to elude them on this little bauble trip. Remember – the paps were able to shoot these two clutched in a tender embrace on a deserted road late at night. But they were unable to follow them to jewellery store? Coincidence or conspiracy?

Next…

The shoppe owner’s description that Shelf Ass is “refined”. So subtle. So brilliant. So NOT a girl who’d not be able to identify the London Eye. Her publicist should be a romance writer. She’d kick Stephenie Meyer’s ass, non?

And lastly…my favourite part…

He SERENADED her with a song from the soundtrack to her upcoming movie Easy Virtue.

Really?

The film has yet to be released. It’s never been in theatres. So some random in an Italian UNMARKED vintage jewellery store could IDENTIFY a song from a film that hasn’t been seen? Really???

Now THAT is an informed source.

More photos of Shelfy and Pips in Rome are attached. They were kind enough to pose with fans. Of course. Because the paps were watching. And so are you. By the way – do you see his bodyguards? JT always travels with security. Notice that lately, in all of these pictures, they remain considerately out of the shot? Images are more valuable that way, you know? You’d think that anyone wanting to thwart the paps would know this too, right?

Right?

Also – a new Pip interview from Golf Digest is here.

His answer when asked about the paparazzi?
They aren't a big part of my life, fortunately. They sit outside my house every now and then, which is pretty weird. I'll go down there sometimes and let them take their pictures. "Hey, guys. How's it goin'? You're not going to sit down here in front of my house all day, are you, 'cause ... that's kind of weird."

No bitch, you know what’s weird? It’s weird that your girlfriend’s entire career has been constructed by the very people you’re calling losers. THAT’s weird.

And then his obstinate refusal to take accountability for selling out Janet Jackson when they exposed her breast at the Superbowl – THIS is why he’s a dickless douche. Because any man, any gracious man, with the benefit of hindsight, especially now that he’s clearly better off than she, his star untarnished after the drama while hers is declining rapidly, any man with any sense of integrity would show a little kindness, would at the very least help a girl out.

But he is not a gracious man, is he? He is a Pipsqueak. So I guess this answer shouldn’t surprise you at all:
Obviously there were two people who were involved equally, and both of us chose to handle it in separate ways. That's apparent; we'd agree on that, right? I immediately apologized. Right? A lot of people misunderstood why I did that. The story that got spun was that I apologized because I wanted to perform on the Grammys. I didn't care about that.

(I apologised) for my family... for my grandmother and my grandfather. The other thing people have to understand is that... a lot of people said that certain people were left hung out to dry. Well, certain people left themselves hung out to dry. Certain people could have apologized as well.

And you know what makes it worse? What makes it worse is that there are several instances during this article when he’s asked about, say, a particular golf course that wasn’t managed properly, or civilian golfers with poor etiquette, or playing with Cameron Diaz, and each time, he pulls the “respect” card and declines to “name names”.

He wouldn’t call out a f&cking golf course but he goes on AT LENGTH about Janet’s Fail?

Is this a man with a heart?

Please.

This is a douche with an ego 100 times the size of his girlfriend’s ass. Don’t come to me to defend him. Justin Timberlake is indefensible. He's worse than she is.

Photos from Splashnewsonline.com

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