Jessica Biel gets a job

May 11, 2010 12:46:00 Posted at May 11, 2010 12:46:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Written by Sarah

A real one, with her name above the title and everything. She’s been cast as Anna Tessieri Giro, muse and maybe-but-probably-not more of composer Antonio Vivaldi in a biopic quaintly titled Vivaldi. It’s a period piece. Biel will be singing opera styles, and… I’m gonna say it.

Was the casting director high?

Jessica Biel and period dramas don’t mix. Have they not seen The Illusionist? The best part of that movie was the part where she died and wasn’t really in it anymore. What about Easy Virtue? She managed to make Colin Firth look bad! She’s two-for-two on ruining period dramas. She just doesn’t have the “period piece look”. It’s not about being the best looking person; it’s about having the kind of features that translate throughout time. Everything about Jessica Biel says “post-apocalyptic zombie killer”. I don’t want to see her in a movie unless she’s beating a monster to death. Also, she can’t act.

I can’t stand Biel on a good day, let alone sticking her in an otherwise interesting-sounding movie and letting her muck about as an eighteenth century opera diva. Can she even sing? I’m really hung up on the opera singing. You’ve heard Biel talk, right? Bad accents are one thing, but there’s no way she can sing opera. This woman inspired The Four Seasons, she’s one of the great artistic muses of the ages, and you cast Jessica Biel? It’s blackmail, right? Did you run over Justin Timberlake’s dog?

Luke Evans (sounds like a country singer) has been cast as Vivaldi. He’s a “rising British actor”. Aren’t they all?

Written by Sarah
Photos from and PPNY / GSNY/the image worx/

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