Jessica Simpson chokes, sucks under pressure

December 4, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at December 4, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Dolly Parton is being recognised at the Kennedy Center Honours this year, the show taped last night, Jessie was tapped to deliver a rendition of Nine to Five” during the tribute and she was apparently “so nervous” she totally choked under pressure and bailed as soon as the song was over – to no applause. Later on, as she joined others performers during an ensemble piece, Jessica was still distraught and appeared in tears. You call that a real singer? Seriously… hasn’t this bitch played in stadiums before? And according to Pervy Papa Joe, Jessie’s octave range isn’t far from Mariah’s, remember? So why the colossal choke? Is she too stupid to understand that Johnny Knoxville’s 69 Lessons are not applicable in every situation? Or is it something deeper - A crisis of enlightenment perhaps? Moaning and panting and bad vocal gymnastics might work for under-developed 16 year olds but that schtick certainly won’t cut it at the Kennedy Centre because alongside true professionals of song and stage, Jessie fell short at the moment of truth, proving once and for all that the best there is, the best she’ll ever be is in a bikini bent over on her knees enjoying a bubble bath on top of a muscle car…every father’s pride and joy. Source
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