Jessica Simpson: faghag in training

March 14, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at March 14, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos from Saving Face of Jessica shopping yet again with her ubiquitous companion, stylist Ken Paves. Personally, I think this is an excellent way to regroup after a divorce and an even better way to spend her time. Because now that she"s f*cked half of Hollywood, it"s time for Jessie to fine tune those gaydar skills, just to make sure she doesn"t end up knees bent in front of a showbiz queen who couldn"t care less how good her pillowy silicone might feel around his dong. Indeed, gossips. Gaydar is a vital skill in this town. And speaking from a true queer-along through and through, there is no gaydar more sharp, more accurate, and more reliable than the gaydar of a faghag. Now you might think a gay man"s reception is the clearest of them all. But the problem is - gay men think all men are gay. And this tendency can at times skew the quality of the gay feed. There have been times when I have walked down the street with my favourite gays and, no joke, every semi-decent looking non-balding male is - according to them - a friend of Dorothy. We"re talking a 75% gay rate which is, like, completely ridiculous. On the flipside is the non faghag female who has yet to spend enough time with the glitter brigade to fully understand what it means to be homo and, more importantly, how to identify one. Planted firmly in the middle are women like me. Faghags for life. And since we have the benefit of so much gay presence in our lives without necessarily wanting a bigger gay presence in society, our nose for the sequined set is second to none. And now it appears that Jessica Simpson is well on her way to developing this prized talent and joining our club. Good for her. Oh…and one more thing. Just a tiny amendment to the Theory of Faghag Gaydar Accuracy. All gaydar gets kinda f&cked up when it comes to Hollywood and celebrities, not because everyone happens to be gay but because you automatically THINK everyone is gay before you even meet them, thereby affecting the antenna"s ability to get a pure signal. And this explains why Ted Casablanca"s closet blind vices are so hard to read. Does that make sense?
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