Basic Communication with Jessica Simpson

January 25, 2007 12:00:00 Posted at January 25, 2007 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
I’m relieved today that I’m not a fan of John Mayer. To those of you who are, I send you my deepest condolences and sympathise with your disappointment. Because any which way you cut it, John Mayer looks bad. And for a dude with a solid fan base, with a sense of humour, who appeared to have some intelligence, John Mayer doesn’t only look bad…he actually looks WORSE. After all, how can you explain Jessica Simpson? Two angles, neither shining examples of his now defunct integrity: Option 1 – he’s in it for the big tits and the easy ride. Makes total sense – young horny dudes need ass, right? Problem is – THIS young horny dude has made a career out of “sensitivity”, out of wonderland bodies and cheesy mother daughter father love songs. THIS horny dude based his image on being “above the bullsh-t” and now THIS horny dude has hooked up with Hollywood’s ditziest blonde – not only stupid but completely manufactured. Or…Option 2: If you believe today’s Page Six, maybe what John’s doing has less to do with physical pursuits than with professional ones – Joe Simpson’s specialty: the publicity stunt. According to Page Six sources who saw Jess and John at Nobu the other night, the two were together strictly for the photo opp, and as pappies converged outside the restaurant, the couple barely exchanged a word throughout the entire meal: “John was extremely quiet and didn’t speak a lot …Jessica just gave a lot of puppy dog looks and twirled and twisted her hair.”. Snort. Can you imagine communicating with Jessica Simpson? Probably not too different from a newborn or a dog. My mothering friends tell me this all the time - since babies can’t yet express themselves through words because their brains still need to develop, they rely on crying or pulling or scratching or rubbing to convey their physical needs. Now I don’t have a child but my beagle is the same way. He’ll push his bowls together for a “ping” if he’s out of water, he’ll jump in the bathtub if there’s a five-alarm bowel emergency, he’ll shove his wet nose into my eye if it’s time for breakfast– I call it the Small Brain Method of Communication: simple gestures to send simple messages, common in children, common in canines, and common in learning impaired bimbos like Jessica Simpson with a limited selection of moves… Twirling and twisting hair: I’m bored, do I need more lipstick? Mashing tits together: Can I go to the bathroom? Bottom lip sticks out: I’m hungry … or … Let me blow you. Clapping hands: Is it bedtime? And as such, if you believe the Page Six report, is there any wonder why John Mayer couldn’t carry on a conversation with her? More importantly though, if you do believe the Page Six report, why is he suddenly being schooled by the Simpson publicity machine? Option 1 vs Option 2 – John Mayer: Pig or Sellout? Your call. Source PS. Is that the low classiest way of going down a flight of stairs or what???
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