Jessica Simpson: Suck "n" Sprinkle

August 31, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at August 31, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
If you"re one of those prudish types, STOP READING NOW. And consider yourself warned. Otherwise, don"t be bitching to my inbox about crass and crude and blah blah blah. After all, smut is nothing if it ain"t dirty. Right then. About this Jessica Simpson/John Mayer hook up/publicity stunt/whatever. You know it"s a bit questionable when the top 2 weeklies have it on the cover, right? And now, just in, People Magazine is taking it one step further - a source who says that Jessie is so in love. But before we get to the fun stuff, have a look at your girl out on the town last night with the Jackass crew. By all accounts, it was one of those early morning benders - not that the look on her face doesn"t give it away to begin with. And you have to wonder what her record company thinks of this one. Too sick to sing and yet definitely not too sick to reunite with the man who showed her how to blow... One can"t forget her mentors, savvy? Another new tip, no pun intended? She just admitted to having her lips done last year, which explains how her mouth when from normally fellatio fullage to XXX hardcore fullage in the space of a week, immediately after her divorce announcement. Gotta give the girl credit for owing up to the truth though, unlike that person we think is her sister but looks nothing like her sister these days. Anyway… back to the goods. As pointed out by many of you over the last 24 hours (thanks for your messages!)…there was a blind item in one of the gossip columns a while back, I honestly can"t remember which one. It had to do with a young performer who enjoyed spraying golden in the shower - not alone, mind you…but with a partner. Apparently, the item was widely attributed to none other than John Mayer. What"s worse, or better depending on how you see it, according to rampant rumours, there appear to be several recipients of the same wettage, suggesting a preference for this kind of perversion which, some might say, goes hand in hand with the phone sex thing. Now I don"t know about rates these days, but $1,500 seems like an awful lot of telephone titillation, non? In light of the aforementioned conjecture - I want you now to picture Jessica Simpson and her fresh beau. I want you to picture her - Johnny Knoxville"s pupil, already a master of the mouth, newly anointed as the Mistress of the Sprinkle. Quite a resume, is it not? Huge knockers, blonde hair, not too much going on in the head, a better than average physique, a church-repressed libido, adept at giving and now receiving??? I"m telling you gossips... In some circles, you might say this girl is f*cking perfect. Photos from
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