Best Trailer Tranny: Jessica Simpson

Lainey Posted by Lainey at August 21, 2006 12:00:00 August 21, 2006 12:00:00
Three hundred costume changes, one set of stubby legs, a stylist that should be fired, and the cheapest, cheapest red carpet number of the evening. Why in F&CK does this girl always get it so wrong??? I’m not going to bother dissecting the nightmare. You can see if for yourselves. You can see how the material bunches up in the most unflattering manner around her boobs, to say nothing of the colour. THIS, my fellow gossips, is the colour of letterhead. As in writing paper. You know the kind they sell for thank you notes? Not quite white, not quite yellow, just a shade of something in between, way out of style for the Gwyneth set but still very much in practise among the older folk and traditional tight asses, like the president of some golf association or a university, someone who enjoys writing on stationary with an embossed crest and an expensive watermark only visible in the right light? In other words, Jessica’s dress is a shade of manila. And call me Cruise but I think that’s ugly. As was every other outfit that cut her off at the wrong point, giving those difficult legs an air of manly man not befitting a so called sex goddess. Then again, after watching her live in action tonight, I think I’ve figured out her secret weapon, something that obviously distracts from the assy style and the tranny body and the orange skin, something so subliminally powerful, even I, without a penis, even I could appreciate the appeal. Jessica Simpson’s Bobble Head is f&cking mesmerising. Never noticed it before because I’ve yet to enjoy a full episode of Newlyweds, thank you very much, but she has a way of saying “Y’ALL” while moving her head as if independent from her shoulders and the result is a fascinating, swivelling bounce that when combined with the cock-thick lips leaves no doubt in your mind that this girl can deliver the fellatio of a lifetime – courtesy of the one and only Johnny Knoxville. Lessons in a trailer…now, I think I get it. Photo source

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