Pro-love for Jessica

July 28, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at July 28, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Between Britney"s plea for pro-love and Tori Spelling"s heinous crimes, something in me has changed. And next to Tori"s hardcore homewrecking, every other bitch takes on a new perspective, don"t you think? Besides, between the two Simpsons, I think we can all agree that Jessie"s a helluva lot more palatable these days than her thinnifying little sister. Perhaps this is why I"ve softened for Jessica, not that I"ll ever look at those lips and see anything but a blowjob, or those hands without remembering her sapphic secrets, or that rump without picturing it bent over Jackass in New Orleans, but still…at the end of the day, there are much more worthy gossip adversaries. And I really do love her new song, especially the part in the video where she full on fellates that ice cream cone. Girl"s gotta advertise her skills, right"? So anyway, in the spirit of this newfound Jessica positivity, I have to tell you that I am totally feeling the album cover. First of all, she"s NOT wearin" a weave. She"s also not mashing her titties together and licking them. It"s called the element of surprise, y"all…bonus points every time, especially since she is finally dressing for the women. And continuing with the pro-love angle, I taped a segment for eTalk the other day on the Ladies of the Summer - who I think will own the hot hot hit of the season. Would you believe I picked Jessica? Now before you voodoo my Chinese ass, let me explain. Here"s what we were up against: Beyonce: sorry, but Deja Vu doesn"t do. And that video sucks arse. Period. Janet: what"s with the slow jam off the top? What"s with the cross dressing freak of a video? Is it a good thing or a bad thing that Nelly"s gold teeth and lipsmacking are the only parts that make it barely watchable? Christina: LOVE that she"s workin" on a new a groove. LOVE that she can outblast anyone else. But dancing to Ain"t No Other Man requires too much formal instruction and by definition, a summer hit should only call for effortless bopping, don"t you think? Nelly Furtado: catchy yes. I know y"all love it. And yet for me, one of the most essential elements for a for a summer jam is the ability to SING ALONG WITH IT. When it comes over the speakers and you"re in the car, can you roll down all the windows and scream your head off to Promiscuous Girl? Can you really yodel with Nelly? Or do you have to wait patiently for Timbaland to finish his thing before repeating 2 bars of the same hook over and over again? This is why Whitney Houston (Goddess save her) provided endless hours of fun in the sun entertainment. Because - and don"t lie - if I Wanna Dance With Somebody happens to cross the radio, I KNOW you are losing your sh*t AND your voice for 4 minutes right along with her. And THAT is why I love A Public Affair. It"s an easy song. It"s a borrowed beat. It"s a simple mindless little track that anyone can belt without losing a kidney. Am I saying it"s a classic? F&ck no. But when I"m getting ready for Grace Kim"s staggette next week, on a night of big hair, big lips, big makeup, and lots of leg - this is what I"ll be rockin" to when I"m getting my SexyBack, you know what I"m sayin"? To watch the clip, click hereand under the "Watch Video" section, select "Ladies of the Summer". Yes, I"m ready. Let"s debate.
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