P for Porny, P for Pathetic

November 15, 2010 08:05:23 Posted at November 15, 2010 08:05:23
Lainey Posted by Lainey

You’ve heard by now I’m sure.

Not even a week after her ex-husband’s engagement is announced, Porny Jessica Simpson has confirmed that she’s engaged too. Only Jessica Simpson could turn a wedding proposal into a f-cking consolation prize. And it’s a goddamn embarrassment on so many levels. Which shouldn’t be a surprise. She’s a goddamn embarrassment on so many levels. Too mean?

Well for starters, she just sh-t on another girl’s happy moment. It’s like going out for dinner and telling all your friends and then another bitch walks in with a bigger ring and nobody cares about you anymore. That’s exactly what she did.

But in doing so immediately after Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, Porny’s news doesn’t smell like celebration, but rather like desperation. You have two choices here to explain it: either that dumbass couldn’t wait to tell the world she’s not going to be left behind as a spinster or that dumbass’s opportunistic boyfriend exploited her at her lowest moment, proposed with a Ring Pop, and talked her into buying her own bloody engagement ring at Harry Winston. Because how else could he have afforded it?

Remember, Eric Johnson sucks at football and dropped out of school. He is a professional follow around-er. As I’ve already said a number of times, “there’s a KFed out there for everyone. It just depends whether or not you can avoid him”.

For the genetically stupid, this is almost impossible. For the genetically stupid AND vulnerable, it’s a golddigger’s ultimate fantasy. And you know what else? She’s probably genetically stupid enough to marry him without a prenup. Within six months we’ll be looking at her pregnancy tits. Jesus, it’ll be like a world record. And for every kid he gets more money when it’s over. So by 2014 she’ll have two, maybe three. And this is why my Porny will be hawking Proactiv for the next 20 years.

I have never missed John Mayer more in my entire life. ‘

Click here if you want to see her ring. I refuse to spend money on that photo.

File photos from Turgeon/Rocke/PAPSFIRST/Splashnewsonline.com

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