Porny plays the Doctor Game & Sailor Suits

December 1, 2010 09:15:45 Posted at December 1, 2010 09:15:45
Lainey Posted by Lainey

My Porny Simpson’s engagement was the top story for, oh, maybe 5 minutes. Then Prince William came along and shot her ass off the front page. Swifty and Jakey kept her off too. Now the Brange is dominating the spotlight to sell their new projects...

So what does a Porny do?

Well, she has to fight for scraps, take whatever she can, talk to whoever will listen... with Life & Style.

You know the hierarchy of celebrity publications, right?

When you’re GIVING AWAY exclusives to Life & Style, you know your sh-t is in the sh-ts.

This week’s Life & Style features “exclusive” details about Jessica Simpson’s joint family Thanksgiving last week in New York. Her golddigger’s parents joined her own parents at an Italian restaurant. And Life & Style says that “Jessica quickly charmed her future in-laws with stories of lost earrings and how Eric played doctor while she had the flu”.


I like the Playing Doctor game as much as the next person (do you have a fever? should I check your breasts?) but I’m not sure it’s appropriate mealtime conversation with his MOTHER. Mothers of boys are difficult. No offence to those of you who have boys, but you can be difficult. I’ve known some pretty interesting mothers of boys. I am married to a rather particular mother of a boys. Two boys, actually. I’m just saying sometimes it’s a weird dynamic. Now imagine Mrs Johnson’s face when Porny tells her that he knows how to use his stethoscope? Gross.


Maybe it’s just the way this article has been written by their ignorant hick source (translation: members of the Simpson family). Either way, it sounds dumb. And then they scrape the tabloid sh-ts even harder.

“She and Eric were very loving — hugging, kissing and whispering in each other’s ears,” an eyewitness tells Life & Style. “She also showed off her engagement ring. She even took it off at one point and handed it to Eric's parents to look at.” Jessica and the group dined on a feast of grilled eggplant with marinara sauce, short ribs with homemade pappardelle, lobster with rigatoni in lobster sauce, homemade meatballs and sausage.

Though Jess has denied baby rumors, she’s already thinking about a newborn in the near future, saying, “I definitely see myself having a family with Eric, so that’s exciting to think about!” And her mother, Tina Simpson, is just as ecstatic about the prospect of more grandkids. “Obviously I’m looking forward to having more grandkids!” Tina, grandma to daughter Ashlee Simpson-Wentz’s son, Bronx, told Life & Style after dinner. “Bronx is the love of my life.” And whether a boy or girl, she’ll be thrilled. “I’ll take anything I get,” Tina said. “I’m not picky!”

The couple began dating only six short months ago, so it’s no surprise that their engagement may be even shorter. An insider tells Life & Style that the bride-to-be will be walking down the aisle very soon. “It won’t be before Christmas, but it’ll definitely be before spring,” reveals the insider. “January or February at the latest. They don’t want to waste any time.”

Like, now they’re ADMITTING to the association. Openly. With Life & Style! So f-cking ghetto.

This is Jessica last night breathing into the mic at the Rockefeller tree lighting event in New York. Then she posed with a man in a sailor suit. Look, I’m all for tradition. But some traditions need to be re-examined.

Who benefits EVER from seeing anyone over the age of 6 in a sailor suit?

Photos from and Neilson Barnard/

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