Deciphering Jessica Simpson

July 31, 2008 11:29:00 Posted at July 31, 2008 11:29:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

The effort is there...but so is the cheese.

Granted, it’s over the top corny and I’m the bitch who’s dead inside. So most of the time, as soon as I hear the words “cherish” and “heart” in the same sentence, it’s an excuse to head to the casino. Anything is an excuse to head to the casino.

Still... Jessica Simpson’s new interview with Elle Magazine is a fascinating glimpse into her frothy little head. Much more entertaining and at least not as robotic as any interview with Katie Holmes, whose thought process these days, I’m told from an infallible source, consists of:

I love Tom.

I love being a mother.

I want to do good work.

And ...

I feel very fortunate.

For real.

Jess on the other hand... Jess’s attempts to describe her romantic decisions are unwittingly insightful – perhaps not in the way she intended but revealing nonetheless if you can make sense of her babble.

On dating post divorce:
I was going through a lot of pain. I didn't try anything to change my life other than dating different types of guys and conforming to their worlds. I thought I had to be artsier, more intellectual.

On John Mayer:
John believed in the Jessica Simpson that's within. He urinated on cherished our love.  He helped make me the woman I am today. John is going to be an amazing man for someone, but I know that I was supposed to be with someone else.

On Tony Romo:
Most of the guys I dated were captivated by my heart but they had different ways of trying to get to me. Tony understands me. He appreciates my talent. He's the first person I've spiritually connected with. I'm a girl that loves to be in love. I love love!

Captivated by my heart...

Seriously…what does that sh*t even men?

Poor thing is confusing her heart with her tits.


Again. If only this girl had friends. Because I do like her. I want her to succeed. I want her to succeed more than Paris Hilton, and Emmy Rossum, and Heidi Spencer. There are so many twats who deserve it LESS than she does.

But she needs a f&cking life coach. And she needs to stop giving it away.

Attached – various travel shots of Jessica this week, at LAX and JFK, with the most unstylish gay man ever, Ken Paves, and her dog Daisy. Wish I could travel like that with my baby Marcus. But he’s a beast of a beagle at 30 pounds. And rude as hell. The other day we went to the beach where he proceeded to harass a family bbq by baying in their faces until he earned himself a piece of a hot dog.

Then he yelled at us to throw the ball in the water so he could swim. I raised an asshole of a dog. This is why I’ll never have a child.

Photos from

Previous Article Next Article