Jessica vs. my mother

June 13, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at June 13, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Note: if you don"t want to read about my mother, please skip to the next. I"ve had no time to do the mailbag lately which is why I haven"t been able to share some of the best hate messages with you but I received one yesterday that concerned me, not because I felt intimidated but because I am quite worried about the wellbeing of the person who wrote it. She obviously doesn"t know what she"s getting into. So Jessica, if you"re out there, please know that I only have your best interests at heart. Here"s what Jessica had to say: Hi Lainey, You have good gossip once in a while but its supposed to be gossip and no one cares about YOUR MOTHER! I hate your stupid stories and stick to the gossip, then you"re site wouldn"t be so LOOOOOONg and you could do more. SO get rid of your mother before I do it for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Jessica, The funny thing is, while I certainly understand that my mother isn"t your favourite person, she"s actually pretty popular with a lot of other people. Celebrity Gossip from my mother"s perspective can actually have some value from time to time. So the challenge for me is to balance out what you want and what they want. It"s a tough, tough process and I appreciate your feedback. Having said this - ummmmm, like, I think you just threatened my mother and I really don"t think you want to do that. No, I"m not protecting HER. I"m actually protecting YOU. Because, honey, you don"t know my mother. This is a woman who was educated on a mahjong table, who came out of the womb to the shrieking sounds of gambling Chinese hens fighting over which wind position was the most fortuitous. As a young girl Judy tagged along whenever the neighbourhood ladies went on a Homewrecker Hunt. You know what happens to a homewrecker in Hong Kong? People like my mother and her mother and all their friends hop on the bus TOGETHER to pay the slut a visit. Where she works. They charge up the stairs, they barge through the doors, and they give that bitch the cussing of a lifetime. Then they go back to the mahjong tiles for the rest of the night, stopping only to pick up the phone to order congee and fried noodles, delivered half an hour later and consumed without so much as a 5 minute break. Early on, people realised that my mother had a gift. No one could out rant Judy. So much so that she was given a nickname. It"s a nickname she holds to this day. My mother is Ah Gai - or Ah Chicken for you non Chinese folks - not because she is without courageā€¦but because chickens will peck and peck and peck until their opponents don"t have eyes or ears or even souls. By the age of 15 she owned the streets of Yuen Long Central and one look from her could send triad members - and we are talking hardcore murderers, thieves, drug dealers, and pimps - scurrying into back alleys just to avoid her legendary squawk. That, Jessica darling, is my mother"s secret weapon. It is her voice. Not just volume but pitch. You have not truly had an ear ache until you"ve been yelled at by my mother. Unfortunately for her enemies, age has not tempered my mother"s skill. Chinese opera lessons have only contributed to her mastery. And if you"ve ever been privy to one of these performances, you will know that Chinese Opera consists of deafening wails punctuated by the occasional random gong. It is enough to give you a migraine so intense, you think you"ll never be able to get out of bed again. Jessica - this is what you"re up against. So please consider yourself warned. I will continue to write occasionally about my mother and if it bothers you that much, you are welcome to try and take her down. Go for it, girl. I will even forward you her phone number. But I fear you are probably no match for Ah Chicken. Think about it and get back to me. I"ll be waiting and praying for you. Love, Lainey
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