The New John Mayer

July 18, 2007 12:00:00 Posted at July 18, 2007 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

Bitterly disappointing his fans when he hooked up with Jessica Simpson and literally pissed all over her, the man behind limp dick pseudo-sensitive songs like Wonderland and Daughters decided to tap the emptiest blonde in Hollywood, disillusioning supporters and supposedly taking a hit in ticket sales.

But now it’s over. And now he claims to have found a new peace and a new direction.

In a recent interview with GQ, John reveals he will give up Wonderland and he will give up Daughters. After his current tour, he will supposedly put those songs aside and go in a new direction – said his writing partner Steve Jordan:

“John was concerned they’d be heard at every wedding and prom for the rest of his life. He’s like, We gotta beat this.”


In other words… no more limp dick music for John Mayer. Works for me, might not work so well for the fans who want to come back, who want to reconnect, now that he’s exorcised the tranny from his life.

But here’s the new problem: I’m told he broke up with Jessica not because they weren’t right for each other but because he she wasn’t right for his career. Because his tour wasn’t selling. And it doesn’t look like he’s denying it either.

Sequence of 4 questions related to Jessica – note the highlighted passage:

Did you see the Saturday Night Live skit “An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica Simpson?
I did.

Did it make you laugh?
I laughed. I was not pissed off. I laughed. In some ways, the more different the perception is, the more singular the truth becomes. The only thing you need to do is have some f-cking dignity about it.

What was the truth, then?
I’m actually finished with that part of my image—with caring about that part of my image. I’m kind of at my quietest that I’ve ever been. And I’m at my happiest I’ve ever been. I do not take the outside world into my house with me. I just don’t care anymore. It’s vapor. When somebody wants to take a picture of you coming out of a restaurant, it doesn’t matter. Whether you save a falling baby’s life or whether you fall yourself on the ground drunk, it’s gone, lost in the sea of DUIs and crotch shots. And it just doesn’t matter.

What does matter?
What does matter is answering your fans, letting them know you exist still in the same way you always did, that the names change and the dollar values go up but you still exist in the same timeline of a person as you always did. That you still love playing music, you still know right from wrong, you can still smell bullsh-t like anyone else can.

But what’s worse? That he dated that twat? Or that he broke up with her because of peer pressure?

Either way you cut it…

Limp.Dick.

PS. He does look kinda hot in these photos though, non?

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