He will never let us down

March 17, 2009 13:24:08 Posted at March 17, 2009 13:24:08
Lainey Posted by Lainey

John Mayer keep quiet about the end of his contractual obligations his bust up with Jennifer Aniston? Please. He would never be so cruel. He could never be so self controlled.

Remember, his gift is his song. His gift is the word. Because he’s so great with the word, right? Who keeps telling him he’s so great with the word???

Putting experience into music is one thing. But it takes time to record a song. And release it. And this douchebag needs instant gratification. Which is why the internets suit him so well. Especially Twitter.

Yes y’all. John Mayer is using Twitter to tell us about the split. Of course he is. And of course, to borrow from skinny Ben Stiller, what he wrote is all clever-clever in the land of clever-clever land. A riddle, if you will, meant to tell us nothing or, if you’re deep enough to understand, everything.

Ernest Hemingway once claimed he could write a great story in six words or less… I’m certainly not the first person to pass the plate around on this, but Twitter seems like an excellent place to try it. My six word story: This heart didn’t come with instructions.

See? He just can’t help himself. He can’t do it. He can’t. He will tell you he’s an artist. That it’s all about expression. The truth is, when it comes to John Mayer, it’s actually all about fame and whoring. And douchebaggery. And maybe a little bit of Megan Fox. Not just Megan Fox, but what Megan Fox stands for.

He likes it dirty and urinated on and able to f-ck without worrying about the hair.

So the question is (suggested by my friend Ashley P in London): how long is Stephen Huvane’s call list right now? And who do you think is on it?

Ashley says Gerard Butler. I agree. Who else? Who else needs to agree to a fauxmance?

File photos from Wenn.com

Previous Article Next Article