John Mayer is still f-cking Jen & Jess

January 20, 2010 07:48:00 Posted at January 20, 2010 07:48:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey

In his mind. When he jerks off. These are his go-to girls. For reals. And he admits it. To Rolling Stone. Have you heard?

Here’s the thing... before we cut him down...

I’ll take a John Mayer interview before a bland, boring, generic, cookie cutter interview any time. Like Jessica Biel in Vogue. It’s nothing. It’s useless. It’s totally irrelevant.

With John he just keeps giving. He cannot help himself. With John there’s always material. So give him props for the entertainment. Then sh-t on him for the goddamn relentless ASS that keeps coming out of his mouth.

Where to start?

Always sex.

“All I want to do now is f–k the girls I’ve already f–ked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going,'But you’re John Mayer'! So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else. I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.”


Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. He’s f-cking them every day. Wait, actually, sometimes several times a day:

“I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

What? I don’t know what that last part means. It’s too deep for a gossip bitch. I do know however that he’s right about taking control of one’s business. You prudes don’t want to talk masturbation, but masturbation > infidelity. Do what you need to do. It’s not the doing that’s the problem, it’s the obsessive talking that’s the problem.

This bitch cannot stop.

And, as noted many times before, that’s what makes John Mayer so unattractive. John Mayer spends too much time thinking about John Mayer. All celebrities are self involved, sure. But John Mayer elevates narcissism to a new level. It takes a real artist to use his own narcissism as a fuel for his own narcissism. And his penchant for full disclosure isn’t as much about honesty as it is about VANITY.

So John continues his search for The One. As we know, The One was not Jennifer Aniston. This is why, as wonderful as she is, as hard as it was for him, HE had to breakup with HER:

”I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f—ing fantastic, if I said to her, ?I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life,
this is not my ideal destiny.”

Ok yeah, that part is funny. That Fabulous at 40! isn’t the ideal destiny – you mean People Magazine lied?

What then is John Mayer looking for?

“Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas? …I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a f–k about it.”

This then is ultimately why he’s single. It’s not that he can’t find the right woman. It’s that every woman isn’t HIM.

Click here for more from John Mayer in Rolling Stone and pictures too.

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