King Depp & the Freebie 5

July 10, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at July 10, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
It’s official, gossips. The Gay Midget Dwarf has been dethroned. And who better to take over his place at the top of the Hollywood mountain than Johnny Depp? Who DOESN’T love Johnny Depp? No freakish cult membership, definitely not gay, not a philanderer, or a golddigger, or a wife beater, or anything remotely close to boring. In other words, a celebrity monarch for the ages. And if the weekend box office was any indication, we really do all worship Johnny. Here is hotness himself, in Paris for the French premiere of Pirates late last week and then just after touching down in Tokyo to the feverish delight of his Japanese fans. Is it just me or do you find yourself at once mildly frightened by and yet also very, very attracted to Vanessa Paradis? Somewhere along the way, Vanessa’s broomstick style and her gap teeth and the way she can beat the crap out of a pappo all by herself – it’s grown on me. I like her. And admit it…even though you think he’d look better with YOU…they do make sense, they do feel right. Maybe not as “perfect” as it was with Winona and maybe not as “dramatic” as it was with Kate, but “right” always wins the race…right? And when it’s this right, is it right to put him on the Freebie 5? This, my fellow gossips, is the dilemma. You’ve pleaded your case and I agree. He is most definitely worthy. But by definition, the Freebie 5 is a fantasy list for a one night experience with no consequences. One passionate, throbbing, sweaty, screaming evening – or day if that’s your thing – of full on horniness that is as shortlived and temporary as it is decadent and more than a little dirty. So here’s the thing: Could you stop at 24 hours with Johnny Depp? Or is it a lot more? Is it breakfast and lunch and reading from the same book and playing Scrabble and just looking at each other and smoking and picking berries in the field and practicing goofy accents and pretty soon it’s 2 weeks later and you STILL don’t want it to end? Because that’s what it is for me. And when you think about it, has anyone truly gotten over Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp is more than just one night and more than just the Freebie 5. Johnny Depp is an eternal love. And THAT is why Johnny is not on the Freebie 5. Johnny, you see, has the distinction of being the one, the only, the sole member of the Lifetime List. Forever and ever, the end. Photos from Saving Face
Previous Article Next Article