Jake and Austin and Sophia
February 12, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at February 12, 2006 12:00:00
You"ve likely seen these photos of Jake Gyllenhaal and his friend Austin Something at a Laker game the other day. As you probably know, web smutters are already concluding that these pics provide the slam dunk Toothy Tile evidence we"ve been looking for for months. And in all fairness, some of Jake"s body language makes it hard to argue my long suffering point to the contrary. However, before you put a permanent homo stamp on Jakey"s fine ass, take a look at these other shots of Austin from JustJared with his very attractive, very FEMALE hookup. It"s none other than Sophia Bush who has bounced back quite nicely after being completely snowed for much, much too long by that pathetic poser Chad Michael Murray. Sophia and Austin have apparently been dating for about 6 weeks while Jakey and Austin have been "friends" for years. Do I think he"s gay? No. I don"t. I might be the only one out there but I also hear from too many people who have been hit on at one time or another by the most famous questionable queer in Hollywood to be able to say definitively that the dude prefers dudes. While we"re at it though, I"d like to comment on Austin"s choice of handwear which does nothing to dispel any gaydar that seems to linger persistently around Jake"s pelvis. Austin is undeniably attractive in that Tom Brady, athletic, boy who played tennis and rugby kind of way. I dig boys who look like this. My problem is the turquoise ring. As a rule, I"m not into guys who accessorise. See Jude Law. It"s negates any manly man appeal on a direct dial to my loins. And here"s why. Let"s say Austin was getting ready to go out that night. He took a shower (very important) and he washed his hair (equally impressive), and then he decided on a conservative button down shirt with a pair of jeans. Preppy, not obnoxious, clean…I like it. After this, he likely ran a dollop of pomade through his hair for that, "I totally didn"t try but I really did" look. So far so good. But here"s where we go wrong. Instead of wearing a watch and heading out the door, Austin decided to stop at his dresser, on top of which is scattered a variety of chains and leather bands and RINGS to choose from. Needless to say, Austin went for big and sea green. And you can see the result of his decision proudly displayed on his right hand at the Laker game. Big mistake. An accessory like this implies effort. Effort implies calculated coordination. Calculated coordination implies vanity. And while certain men are most definitely entitled to this kind of metro flair (Beckham, Diddy, Pitt) I think it"s fair to say that Austin - Austin with no distinguishable last name worthy of mention - is far far far from meriting the kind of style latitude we customarily extend to those who have it and those who flaunt it. Let this be a public service announcement to all you straight hotties out there trying to impress the ladies. It is commendable that you want to do something different. Different is great. Different can be sexy. But do not forget that we are civilians. And there are just some looks that civilians should NOT attempt. Chunky ringwear in pastel blue definitely falls under this category. And while we"re at it, earrings that dangle should be avoided as well. Good luck. And let me know how it goes.