The Justin Bieber tapes

March 10, 2014 13:12:45 Posted at March 10, 2014 13:12:45
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Photos:
FameFlynet, Corbis/ Splash

I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to watch these on a Monday morning. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to show you something that will make you violent on a Monday morning. So maybe don’t watch if you have an important meeting coming up? Or a client lunch later on?

Justin Bieber is infuriating at the best of times. He has never been more infuriating than he is in these videos. Which is the intended reaction he’s hoping to elicit from the people who were deposing him. So, I guess, in that sense, he got what he came for. But only a Belieber could sit through these 5 minutes of insolence and not want to spank his baby ass for demonstrating that he is indeed a spoiled little f-ck with no grasp of basic vocabulary. In JB’s world, “detrimental” and “instrumental” are interchangeable. Wait. He probably doesn’t know the definition of “interchangeable”.

That hardly matters though because he’s too busy making love to the camera. It never stops, does it? As he sits there, uncooperatively and rudely, fronting like he’s a big man, there’s always the awareness that he knows he’s being filmed, and that’s why this is a PERFORMANCE. He is performing for you. He is playing the part of the badass: you can’t touch me, I’m Justin F-cking Bieber. And there’s no other side to that, you know? When you become famous so young, and you’ve been famous for so long, there’s never a time when the performance ends. This is all he is. He never had a chance to find out what other person he could be.

Never mind the father because that dude is a loser, beyond redemption. But if you’re his mother, how do you deal? What do you feel? Is this a proud moment for you? At what point does the regret come in? Does it ever come in?

My Justin Bieber story today was going to be about him getting back together with Selena Gomez. She was in Texas for a show. He joined her there. They were photographed together hanging out and kissing over breakfast. She has terrible timing. Every time they reconcile, he makes a dick move. The last time this happened, he egged his neighbour’s house. And then she went to rehab. Even if you’re not superstitious, you can’t deny there’s a pattern. If you are superstitious like I am, this is a bad, bad, bad sign. The universe doesn’t like when its warnings are ignored.

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