Shelfy the bride

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 5, 2009 11:18:56 May 5, 2009 11:18:56

Who got married yesterday?

You would think it was Shelf Ass.

It was her special day.

Let me explain.

At every photo agency database it was pretty much the same – two women occupied more pages and image space than any others.

The first…

Madonna. Obviously.

The second.

Jessica f-cking Biel.

I’m sorry…who?


But she’s Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend. And he co-chaired the event. And it was like, almost like her debutante presentation, you know? Or a Pop Svengali introducing his new Trilby. Or Tom Cruise presenting Katie Holmes!

Like they were starting over, putting a new plan in place.

Let me get you inside New York style society. I’ll write your ticket. I will make you a star. If it’s the last mountain I conquer I will make you a star.

Justin Timberlake has the Midas Touch. But is Jessica Biel his Waterloo?


She can’t dress for sh-t.

They said she was supposed to be wearing William Rast. This is not William Rast. This is Versace. Some of you love it. I think it’s horrible. You know why it’s horrible?

Two words:

Tina Knowles.

Tina Knowles would love it. Tina Knowles would be all over this business. I’m not over any of Tina Knowles’s business.

Or…how about Carrie Underwood?
Carrie Underwood would also be all over this business. I’m not over any of Carrie Underwood’s business.

Pippy picked this?

And Pippy supervised the makeup?

It’s not the light. It’s just her face and all the Lindsay Lohan they spackled all over it. She’s one colour and a herm. Ew.

But none of this matters.

She’s beaming.

It was her night last night.

It was the Costume Institute Gala of Shelf Ass. He made it about her. He told the world his world is all about her. And you can see it on her face: the delight, the gratitude, the naked hungry ambition, and above all the hope…

Who is Jessica Biel? they asked.

Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend.

Photos from and and

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