Where is Justin Timberlake’s Sexy?

May 17, 2016 17:22:33 Posted at May 17, 2016 17:22:33
Kathleen Posted by Kathleen
Michael Campanella/ JONATHAN NACKSTRAND/ Getty Images

Last week, Lainey wrote about how Justin Timberlake is trolling for an Oscar with his new song Can’t Stop The Feeling. Well, the video came out last night and they really aren’t being subtle about ripping off Happy now, are they? The song is catchy as hell and I’m trying to love it. I am really, truly trying to love this song but I can’t. The video has officially made it impossible for me to get down with Can’t Stop The Feeling. See for yourself and meet me on the other side.

We all know how Lainey feels about Justin Timberlake. JT is one of the few things she and I disagree on. I grew up with *NSYNC. Justin was my teenage dream. I decorated my elementary school agendas with *NSYNC posters from J-14 magazine. I plastered his shirtless Rolling Stone cover in my high school locker. Despite all the stories of his self-indulgent, dick-ish tendencies and the unforgiveable way he treated Janet during Nipplegate, I am usually always here for JT. No matter what. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve had on JT blinders for years. I was still out here for Justin during the hot mess that was The 20/20 Experience parts 1 and 2. I’ve seen him in concert 6 times. The JT/Jay Z tour was my 14 year-old self’s dream come true. My best friend Liz has really embarrassing videos of me crying during Until the End of Time. In first year university, I waited outside the Roy Thompson Hall theatre in Toronto during TIFF for 4 hours just to see Justin walk his first movie red carpet. It’s OK, you can judge me. I was that fangirl. I need you to understand how much I love Justin before I rip apart the embarrassment that is Can’t Stop the Feeling, because this isn’t easy for me. I’m starting to think the only thing holding Justin and me together is nostalgia.

You know that friend who has a baby and completely loses their sense of self, breaks out their mom jeans and starts saying things like “aw, shucks” and “gosh, darn it!” like the baby stole her brain and replaced it with June Cleaver’s? This is Justin Timberlake. Guys, Justin used to be one of the best dancers in music. He used to make me feel all the things in my lower regions when he danced. Now, he’s doing a dad version of the robot in an outfit JC Chasez would have looked at it in 2002 and said, “Nah.”

Seriously, what is this budget MJ impersonation? What is this video? What is life? My heart is breaking. At least Happy was cool. Sure, it became the song you associated with bad weddings or a root canal but when it first came out, it was cool as f-ck. Pharrell is seven years older than Justin and he still oozes effortless charisma and for lack of a better word, swag. Where is Justin’s swag? WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO TO GET JUSTIN TIMBERAKE’S SEXY BACK?

If I wanted to watch white people—with some well-placed token minorities—dancing poorly, I’d watch a Kelly Clarkson video (no disrespect to Kelly). When did Justin Timberlake become pop R&B’s Josh Groban (no disrespect to Josh Groban)?

This is Justin’s first single to debut at #1 on the Billboard charts. The f-ck? This corny sh-t over Sexyback? Over My Love? Over What Goes Around…? OVER CRY ME A RIVER? I can’t deal. If Justin loves anything more than attention, it’s being number one. He’s probably going to churn out a whole album of Can’t Stop the Feeling knockoffs (Lainey: which is like imitation Bruno Mars). This makes me even angrier because it is a beautiful time to be a fan of mainstream music. Recently, the charts have been dominated by hits from Rihanna, Drake, Adele, Beyoncé and JT’s successor Justin Bieber. If Justin Timberlake doesn’t want to turn into the old guy who has to rap with Jimmy Fallon and share diaper anecdotes to stay relevant, he’s got to come with a lot better than this.

Attached - JT performing in Stockholm on the weekend.

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