Kevin Federline: Hollywood NF

August 3, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at August 3, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Necrotising Fasciitis. Otherwise known as flesh eating disease. And since the viral market has already been cornered by Paris Hilton"s Hollywood Ebola, it"s only right that Kfed lays claim to bacterial infections, seeing as his peculiar brand of degenerate filth has already irreversibly altered the pop tart of a generation. As you probably know, Necrotising Fasciitis attacks a vulnerable part of your body, like a small cut or scratch, and if not immediately treated, quickly rots out the rest, spreading rapidly, turning to gangrene, and at times leading to amputation. In Britney"s case, her achilles heel was her grossly underdeveloped brain, coupled with a down home horniness and abandon that made her multi million dollar bank account a fertile host for the deadly germs - germs that have since ravaged much of her face, almost all of her neck, part of her ass, definitely her dirty feet, and most notably her womb. But like all aggressive diseases, the ambition of Kevin"s necrotising fasciitis knows no bounds. Not content with decimating an entire career, he has now set his sights on your iPod, your radio, your television, and of course your supermarket experience. An upcoming album, supported by a new video, and a promotional campaign to go along with it - are you ready for the assault, gossips? Because it"s comin"…and it"s comin" on hard. Per Perez Hilton, In Touch Weekly has scored an exclusive interview with KFed, and it appears our worst nightmare has come true. Because the golddigger with the mostest has quite obviously scored himself a decent publicist, someone who has passed on sage advice and counsel, and who is slowly re-introducing Kfed under a new look - shorn hair, golf shirt, a fedora and a slick suit in Vegas - clearly a look that crazily enough resembles a certain pipsqueak Timberlake. Piss on balls - would you believe it"s actually working??? And why??? Because he found the entry point, gossips. In this case, our collective open wound just happens to be nostalgia. Who doesn"t miss Britney & Justin? How can you NOT miss Britney & Justin? And yet this yearning for yore has rendered many susceptible to contamination, ideal conditions for the onset of Kevin"s necrotising fasciitis. Alarmingly enough, while the movement is still in its infancy, I do feel a turning tide - there are some who have unwittingly allowed the makeover to penetrate their defences and every day I hear those whispers: "wow, he"s cleaned up - he actually looks good!" "hate to admit it but he"s kinda sexy" …and so on and so on and so on. But that"s just the beginning, y"all. Now that the outer package has been reworked, the inside Fed has been remodeled as well. Enough with the freeloading, enough with the smirks, Kevin"s interviews are now all about how hard he works, how much he loves his wife, and how determined he is to earn his rightful place. Here are some highlights: Are you guys flying back to LA from your video shoot in Vegas? We"ll be driving. Britney"s too far along to fly. It"s easiest if I drive at night. Translation: my wife is in a delicate condition. I respect that. I will do what it takes to make her comfortable. Are you both always so attentive to her doctor"s orders? Not always. They try to say what you should and shouldn"t eat. A woman who"s pregnant should have what she wants. If she wants pickles and ice cream, she should have it! Translation: I"m right there with her through the pregnancy, the most supportive spouse you will ever find. I indulge my wife because all women are queens to be worshipped. What does Britney crave? Last time, she ate a lot more pickles. This time, she wants chocolate. Translation: Since I"m such a doting partner, I know her inside out. Therefore, I am the perfect husband. It"s subtle gossips, but it"s definitely there. Campaign Kevin has begun in earnest and I fear we"ve already lost a few victims. So if you can, gossips, stay vigilant. Guard yourself against encroachment. Because I don"t ever want to open an email reading "Federline for the Freebie 5", savvy? Read the full interview via Perez Hilton here
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