May 31, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at May 31, 2006 12:00:00
You think you know and then when it happens, you actually find out you don"t know at all. Because Kevin Federline decided to un-thug hisself for Item Magazine and the result has left me feeling dirtier than I did when he was still trying to be black. Highlights from the article, however, are a damn good read. I especially like the part where he claims that he wants his children to learn the value of hard work by getting a job at Taco Bell one day. According to Kevin, the fast food industry is a terrific breeding ground for a career as a professional golddigger. There are also a few good lines about being a good father and a good husband, about surviving in the face of media ridicule, about the burden of being the KFed, and the cross of criticism he has to bear every day. All this, of course, is in support of his fledging rap attempt. Apparently our hatred for him is getting in the way of us discovering the next music revolutionary. Tragic non? Interesting to note also that Us Weekly is reporting that Britney is on to his hustle - selling stories to the tabloids about their lives to turn a quick dollar. They claim she"s almost at her breaking point, that she thwarted him by announcing her pregnancy on Letterman - for free! - and that the end has never been nearer. But I"m a superstitious Asian and as my mother would say - never celebrate until you"re absolutely sure that"s the mahjong tile you need to win. Let"s not jinx the best news ever, ok? Because screw the Emancipation of Mimi. Right now, it"s all about the Emancipation of Britney. And we can"t afford to take chances. In the meantime, I"d like to point out once again that Mr Spelling is indeed the current king of Golddiggery and Killer Gag Suppression. If only Kevin could have been satisfied holding shopping bags and defacing his body with generous tattoo interpretations of his bank account, maybe we wouldn"t have come to this point. Only a true player pimp, the best of the best, the genius of a generation, could manage kissing and enjoying Tori Spelling so convincingly. Are we not blessed to bear witness to this kind of shameless brilliance? I love it, y"all. I love it so much.