Tori gets her Federline
May 7, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at May 7, 2006 12:00:00
I have to give it to Dean McDermott. The man - a Canadian no less - has succeeded where Kfed didn"t. Because while Kevin stupidly believes that he will become more than just Britney"s husband, that his own career will really catch fi-ya, Dean is astute enough to realise that he is and will always be NOTHING. This loser"s best chance at living the high life resides in the concrete filler that makes up Tori"s chest and, as such, he knows that his primary motivation, his only objective in this life, and for the rest of his days, is just to fawn and feast and fondle on her fugliness. With every public, lovesick display of affection - impressively portrayed with Academy worthy conviction - Dean McDermott is setting the platinum standard for golddigging scumbags everywhere. And for this reason - I admire the motherf&cker. I really, really do. In case you haven"t heard, Tori and Dean got married in Fiji over the weekend, barefoot and alone. A supposedly surprise elopement first tipped off by the National Enquirer and then confirmed exclusively by - you guessed it - People Magazine. So why the rush? Well according to Tori: "We didn"t want to wait another day to get married." And in Dean"s words: "I"ve never had as much of a desire to get married and make a woman my wife as I"ve had with her. The feeling is overwhelming. We"re soul mates." F*ck. This guy is good. Mad skillz, y"all. Mad skillz. Truly, madly, deeply Tori mad skillz. But again…why the rush? No really. Why the rush and why the far away destination? Is she pregnant? Hmmmm...Possibly. Not like that"s never happened before, right? This time, however, I"m wondering if the haste had less to do with a baby than with her father. And his millions. And his rumoured objection to the new true love of her life. You think she was smart enough to nail down a prenup??? If not - how do you think old Aaron is dealing with the possibility that an adulterous, cheezoid will have access to his gazillions??? Here"s an idea for you. Let"s hope Mary Jo Eustace gets a huge f&ckin" book deal - "My Husband Left Me For Tori Spelling". Let"s hope everyone buys a copy. Let"s hope it gets made into a TV movie of the week and let"s hope everyone in Middle America will find out what you know already - cheating Donna Martin married a low level greed machine. And then…let"s sit back and watch the destruction. Because if you think the homewrecking Tori is horribly unattractive now, just wait until her karma face kicks in. There is some sick ass ugly on its way, gossips…and it"s about to take form all over Tori Spelling"s head. Me? I can"t wait.