Brooke & Posh: the Battle over Katie?

Lainey Posted by Lainey at November 15, 2006 12:00:00 November 15, 2006 12:00:00

So Oprah gets the shaft but Brooke Shields – repeat Scientology violator, she who dared to treat postpartum depression with drugs instead of with vitamins and exercise…Brooke gets invited?


Something smells sinister, don’t you think?

How ‘bout this for a master plan?

Brooke is an advocate for psychiatric assistance in treating mental health issues, the Hubbardites realise that Tom’s attack was poorly strategised, they engineer the apology on Jay Leno, then they send in their Top Gun – Katie Holmes - to further cement the reconciliation.

Katie befriends Brooke, invites her to the wedding, Brooke’s family is welcome into Church fold, Brooke becomes hypnotised herself, Brooke works for United Artists and finds a revived career with the patronage of the GMD and Paula Wagner, she will eventually eschew Psychiatry and espouse Scientology as the best way to combat PP, and what better spokesperson than someone who’s been through it, who can compare and contrast and CHOOSE the better option?

You think this is farfetched? You think this is overreaching?

Hell…there are some of you who think that Katie Holmes walked around with a pillow shoved up her blouse for the better part of 10 months – and you think THIS is Mission Impossible?


Suffice to say, Brooke is the new mark and my Posh might be on her way out, NOT because of dietary tips forced on her new BFF but because the Beckhams could never stomach the rumoured 30% cut of all earnings in perpetuity.

And finally…just to round out that Oprah question: many of you emailed yesterday with your own theories as to why the Mighty Opes has been shunned – not surprisingly, there was heavy focus on the alien angle, especially related to Oprah and Gayle’s little road trip.

See below an email from Norah – I’m telling you, it’s riveting sh-t, and you have to wonder how heavily medicated Lisa Marie really is.

Hi Lainey: I read your piece today about Oprah being exluded from the GMD"s wedding guest list. Dunno if this matters, but did you see Oprah at Graceland? Oprah and her "friend" Gayle are doing this ongoing series on O"s show, driving around the US - it"s called something like "Oprah & Gayle"s Road Trip". I don"t watch often enough to know much about it, and am not a huge fan of Oprah"s anyway, but I know you"ve mentioned before that the Scientologists have been working hard to recruit Oprah, so I watched the whole thing to see if there was any sign that O had discovered the Way of Zenu. Anyway, Oprah & Gayle arrive at Graceland where Lisa Marie Presley herself gives them a fancy tour, showing them around private never-seen-before rooms, this huge archive of Elvis stuff, etc. LM looked seriously bored throughout, while O and Gayle were almost orgasmic in the way only Elvis fans can be. The whole thing ends with a big ole southern buffet feast. It was quite funny - Oprah and Gayle pile their plates high with creamed corn and fried chicken and all the King"s favourites. Then they sit at a table and tuck in, eatin" hearty while LM and her own pet KFed watch (LM maybe eats a lettuce leaf, and possibly a kernel of corn). There"s a lull in the conversation, when O says "Thank you lord Jesus for this opportunity." LM"s face changes - she looks like she"s sniffed some serious poo - and then she doesn"t say another word for the rest of the show. Looks to me like the Sci"s are not making any progress with Oprah, who remains devoutly Christian, as far as I could see. Perhaps this explains the subtle but clear f-ck-you non-invitation?

Praise Thetan, Norah… it definitely explains it.

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