Girl needs a new speechwriter. I mean, I understand the need to grease the MiniVan Majority, to craft a perfect perfect illusion and a picture perfect existence, but creativity still counts for something and in the creativity department, the Cruise strategy is for sh-t. I mean if she’s going to say the same thing over and over again, at least make it fresh…you know what I mean?
Harper’s Bazaar interview, canned answers below and my suggested changes:
On Loving Tom
: I have a husband and children that I adore. I have a career that I really love. When I sit back and reflect, it’s WOW. I am very grateful. Tom makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and has since the day I met him. I love being with him. I love calling him husband.
Translation: Dear MiniVan, this is a virile fertile man who can spread his seed and satisfy the loin. And absolutely not gay.
On Dating Tom
: Here in Los Angeles, my first motorcycle ride…to the beach. It was amazing and fast. I was in love from the moment that I shook his hand for the first time."
Suggestion: Dear MiniVan, My husband asserts his manly manliness by riding a motorcycle and revving it really loud. When he does this I giggle with glee and marvel at the manly man machinery nestled between his legs, to say nothing for the machinery that keeps me sated every night.
On Mothering Tom’s Children
: I felt so proud to be having a baby and so excited. And I felt closer to other women-to my sisters, to my mom. I felt empowered, like "I"ve given birth. I did it! There"s nothing I can"t handle. I"ve really enjoyed this time that I have taken to be with Suri as well as the challenges of the first couple of months: feeding and pumping, learning to decipher what each cry means-is she hungry? Is she tired? Does she need a fresh diaper? And figuring out how to really help her.
Suggestion: Dear MiniVan, Tom’s love has made me a real woman. Because only a real man can complete a woman. Like many of you, I am now a real woman and a real mother. Tom has fulfilled me. Because his heterosexually is so fulfilling. Shall we light a fulfillment candle together?
On Working for Tom
: I have a whole new set of responsibilities. My work is very important to me. My family is very important to me. When I go to work, it will be the right thing, worth my time and worth my time away from my family.
Suggestion: Dear Minivan, I am whole now because of Tom. Only a real man like Tom Cruise could make me feel so whole. I am a mother and Tom’s woman. These are my duties and my calling and everything else is secondary. I would never compromise that. But if there is a day when my man and I sit down together, next to the fire, and look into each other’s eyes, and decide that acting again may be an option, I will be grateful and appreciative but I will not need it. And in making that decision, my Tom, the most virile, most nongay man in the world, will smile his smile and whisper his encouragement, and I will ride the wave of his beautiful, amazing, fantastic, terrific, transformative, and marvelous support all the way to work and back.
Much better, non? And since Posh seems to be coaching her, maybe she can help spice up her language?
Never mind…I forgot. Mrs Beckham doesn’t read.