Katie Holmes: retail numbing

July 19, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at July 19, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Dear Cruise Legal Team: You know my usual song and dance by now, don’t you? Still…just because I know y’all love to protect your client’s well preserved and perky ass… please note that what’s below is simply silly and brainless unfounded chatter. I mean, who in their right mind would question TomTom’s penile leanings? Isn’t it plainly obvious that it’s the women and certainly not the men who turn his crank and bring out those freaky teeth? Because it is to me!!! So bear with me while I go through the rumours, ok? This is what non-audited non-Scientologists do to spend their alien-infected lives. Unfortunately we don’t have half a million dollars to get ourselves cleansed. Pray to Xenu one day we will have the opportunity. Until then, ah-Thetan forever. Now. Let’s dish. Never mind the bullsh*t that’s circulating about her storming out and growing back the lobotomised half of her brain. She might be miserable, she might have doubts about what she’s done, but she certainly isn’t escaping the clutches of the Cruise any time soon, especially since he’s still reportedly negotiating a production deal with two tentative projects hanging in the balance. Needless to say, the career ain’t the slamdunk it used to be, and a relationship debacle on the eve of the Morton release would be a disaster of colossal proportions. So if you’re the GMD, if everyone’s watching your every move, if you’re the Church, and if your spokespuppet has been backed into a corner…do you retreat? Or do you take out your cat claws and your stilettos and fight like hell to climb back up to the top? Please, gossips. Tommy isn’t giving up, ok? Tommy knows the history of comebacks and warfare. Tommy has studied the history of comebacks and warfare. And Tommy won’t be glib about his own comeback and warfare. Tommy will milk the baby frenzy and the wedding frenzy into a 1-2 photo punch, strategically timed against his detractors, only when the time is right. So the real question is: when the hell is that Morton book coming out anyway??? And while we’re at it – doesn’t Kate look lovely? What’s imprisonment when you’re let out from time to time for a little retail hypnosis at Barney’s??? Hell – if I could score the same deal, I just might sell my soul to the Scientologist too. After all, it’s time to start brainstorming my fall wardrobe. I’m thinking Mongolian jackets, fishnets, too much black eyeliner, and tall boots. You? Photos from http://x17online.com/
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