Lindsay Lohan: handicapping Oscar

October 17, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at October 17, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
She"s still my girl but I"m thinkin" the same explanation behind her pupil pinning is also to blame for the delusions of grandeur. Being tabloid fodder is one thing…but believing that that translates to Oscar gold is another matter entirely. You have to wonder - does she have any idea who Oscar voters actually are??? Look… I know ten years is a long time and hell, anything could happen in ten years, to say nothing of anomalies - Marisa Tomei ring a bell? I also appreciate that my Lilo feels no shame in announcing what she covets, unlike some other frauds who claim to be in it for the *craft*, who do the work because it"s the work that pays them back. Yes yes…I"m sure the craft and the work are undoubtedly critical factors, but let"s be honest here - they ALL crave the glory. Here"s Lindsay in the upcoming issue of InStyle: "I want to get married before I"m 30. And have my house. And make the kind of record I want. And I"d like to win an Oscar before then." Now I"m not saying having ambitions isn"t good…because it"s great. Goal setting is very important. But S.M.A.R.T goals are even more important. You"ve heard the Paul Meyers message right? My boss Janice uses it as a mantra. A S.M.A.R.T. goal: S - specific M - measurable A - attainable R - realistic T - tangible I"m thinking Lilo has a problem with the "A" and the "R". And no, it"s not just my bitch talking. Because when you break it all down mathematically…the odds really are stacked against her. Lindsay Lohan is 20. She has 10 years to achieve Oscar. However, since there is nothing *this* year that would support an Oscar campaign, we"re really down to 9. Seeing as there are 2 female acting prizes, let"s call it 18 chances between now and her 30th birthday. Consider however that outstanding actresses like Annette Bening, Kate Winslet, Laura Linney, and Julianne Moore have yet to receive the honour. Assuming - Goddess willing - that these deserving women will get what is rightly theirs and soon, that leaves 18 opportunites minus 4 statues, leaving 14 chances. Then there are those who"ve already won but who must win again before Lindsay is even mentioned in the same breath. Like Renee Zellweger who has a Supporting victory but not the big dog and Renee most definitely should get a big dog, as should Cate Blanchett. Above all Cate Blanchett. Oh and Angelina too. While we"re at it, don"t forget Nicole Kidman - freeze face and all - in spite of the marriage farce, she really does deliver and you cannot count her out for #2. Same goes for Charlize Theron, Reese Witherspoon, and my best friend Gwyneth Paltrow. So that"s Renee, Cate, Angelina, Nicole, Charlize, Reese, and Gwyneth - 7 perennial contenders from 14 chances: 14 - 7 = 7. 7 remaining opportunities and we"ve yet to discuss her contemporaries…in other words, her competitors. Like Keira Knightley. And Scarjo. And Natalie Portman. And Kirsten Dunst. And Penelope Cruz. And Rachel McAdams. Even Cameron Diaz, indie favourite Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Michelle Williams too - making a charge on her own on the small budget, high prestige circuit. All of these acors have participated in and continue to participate in projects that merit serious consideration. Lindsay on the other hand has yet (Bobby notwithstanding) to succeed in anything UN-teenyboo, putting her on par, realistically, with someone like Drew Barrymore. But Drew doesn"t have an Oscar and she should absolutely get one before Lilo and when we add them all up - well…that’s a total of 10 in front of her and we only had 7 chances left anyway and 7 - 10 = -3 which therefore means that Lindsay"s best, best, best hope of getting her freckly hands on an Academy Award will not be at 30 but probably - with the Goddess"s great mercy - at 33 barring overdose which could set things back by another 2 years. Of course, in light of recent events, an overdose seems likely, taking us to 35. And that sounds about right, doesn"t it? Lilo Oscar at 35…what say you?
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