Saving Lindsay Lohan
January 17, 2007 12:00:00 Posted at January 17, 2007 12:00:00
Not exactly a surprise, is it? The pupils have been pinned for months, the behaviour erratic, the vocabulary atrocious, the spelling even worse, and the most disgusting, useless pieces of sh-t parents possible…is it any wonder Lilo has landed in rehab? Appendix my ass, and obviously following in the footsteps of Drew Barrymore… which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Curious timing too – the two were spotted together last week and I’ve just heard some loose, unconfirmed gossip that Drew’s encouragement was a major deciding factor behind Lilo’s decision to get clean... "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time." Needless to say, it’s a wonderful step in the right direction. I’ve no doubt she’s determined and committed to changing things up. But here’s the question: as I’ve learned from working with Covenant House Vancouver, sometimes being inside is the easiest part – relatively speaking. Understanding addiction, understanding the root causes of addiction, planning for a life without drugs and alcohol in rehab – it’s tough but it’s also in a controlled environment of support without access to the people and the places that bring out temptation. Obviously however, and this is by no means the most profound observation, the challenge for any recovering addict is what happens when they get out - making those critical lifestyle adjustments to avoid further calamity. Yes, relapse is a part of recovery absolutely but at the same time, relapse is almost unavoidable if the sinister influences that propelled the addict to addiction in the first place aren’t removed. Can she resist going to Hyde? And Teddy’s? And Area? Can she resist South Beach for New Year’s and NYC every other weekend? More importantly can she truly emulate Drew and cut out that cancer called her mother? Drew got rid of Jaid…will Lilo tell Dina to jump up her rehabilitated ass? Because say what you want about a parent’s limitations on controlling her child, say you want about being only able to do so much…but seriously…what kind of mother puts her daughter up in permanent residence at the Chateau Marmont at the age of 17? Alone? And lets her move in with a boyfriend 8 years older? What kind of mother would flippantly reveal that her kid has been attending AA meetings and at the same time allow her to travel to Miami to ring in the New Year in decadence and debauchery? My squawking Chinese Chicken Mother would give up MahJong before letting me self destruct. She would chain herself to my arm – no exaggeration – if she knew I had a drinking problem and kept clubbing every night. But Dina Lohan? What does Dina Lohan do? Dina Lohan is too busy pimping the next big pay cheque y’all: a promising little singing starlet known as Ali Lohan. So how do you solve a problem like the Lilo? How do you hold a Firecrotch in your hand? Answer? Divorce Dina, find another David Crosby, and ask Tina Fey to write her a killer screenplay…those are the keys to the Lohan Comeback and yes, I still believe.