Sixty minutes of contrived emotion - not just when Jennifer Aniston comes to visit but Oprah"s show in general. It"s textbook, non? Here"s when you"re supposed to get choked up with emotion, here"s when you"re supposed to pump your fist in the air and feel *empowered* because you are a strong woman, roar roar roar, and when you love yourself enough, you can make great.things.happen!!! Now here"s a new car!
Sure…when it works, I suppose it"s kinda entertaining, I"ll play along on occasion. But when it doesn"t work? Man, that sh-t is just awkward. Especially if it doesn"t work because the co-pilot just isn"t compelling enough to make you care, which is what happened during yesterday"s broadcast when Jen pulled out all the usual moves: the Rachel sniffle; the Rachel "speak through clenched teeth" to convey passion and intensity; the Rachel frown and dip - you know, when she frowns out of sympathy and dips her head as a show of solidarity?; and my favourite - the Rachel blink really fast so people think you"re about to start crying…it was textbook y"all. Textbook and much, much, much more engaging than last time she went crying to Oprah - 15 interminable minutes of insisting she was really, really, really great and things were really, really, really fabulous.
But let"s not bitch. Jennifer"s had a rough few days - why kick a girl when she"s down? Let"s focus instead on the things that really matter. Let"s focus on her hair and her skin - she did look fantastic, didn"t she? In fact, everyone looks fantastic on Oprah. Because Oprah has invested in some kick ass broadcast equipment: state of the art digital cameras, state of the art lighting, state of the shading…and on someone as aesthetically maintained as Jennifer Aniston, the effects are absolutely wonderful. Jennifer glowed, Jennifer"s body rocked, and for the record, I do not think Jennifer upgraded her breasts (recently) - probably the only thing I believe that came out of her mouth.
That"s right, gossips. I believe that the increase in her chest size is due simply to weight gain and nothing else. Just like Lindsay Lohan, just like many of us. Never mind a few extra pounds, there are certain times of the month when I can"t close my own jackets…jackets that fit just 3 days before. Call me Cruise, call me naïve, but on this point, I"m with Jen.
On everything else…not so much, although it was a convincing enough performance to satisfy the MiniVan Majority, happily unintimidated by the pretty-but-not-overwhelmingly-so appeal of their favourite heroine.
And on the subject of The Break Up, as many of you have already pointed out in your emails, I didn"t believe her "oh no no" when asked if she and Vince had split. The eye-fluttering gave it away and the attempt to brush things off so casually, so nonchalant about media scrutiny and press intrusion…well, needless to say, it was amusing considering she can"t keep herself out of the news and yes, by her own design.
But still there are those who have written to say - I believe her, Lainey. Because no one would lie to Oprah!
You do have a point there. I mean, Tom Cruise didn"t lie to Oprah when he jumped on her couch and proclaimed the *magnificence* of Katie Holmes over and over again. And John Travolta never lies to Oprah when he comes on her show and talks about his wife and how for real it is and how for hetero forever their marriage is and then proceeds to shake his nimble but expanding tucchus so delightfully the stage is set aflame with sequins.
Right. Well that settles it doesn"t it? Jen and Vince are definitely still together because everything anyone ever says on Oprah has to be true.
Funny thing is - it"s almost becoming the opposite these days, non?
And you know what else is funny? It"s funny that Vince Vaughn is suing the UK tabloids for suggesting he hooked up with a British blonde last week but not suing Us Weekly, even though he says reports of a break up are untrue. Wasn"t that the story most damaging? Of him dumping her because she was too needy and desperate and manipulative?
Funny that, non?
And funny too her predictably bland choice of ensemble last night at the Glamour Reel Moments event. Those pants are atrocious. And very, very Posh. An extra half inch indeed.
Oh - one last thing. During Oprah, there were behind the scenes clips of Jen"s directorial debut. She was wearing a funky top - look familiar? I wrote about it in July. Click here for a quick reminder
. Seriously…these tees are addictive.