Mother Firecrotch to the Rescue

July 31, 2006 12:00:00 Posted at July 31, 2006 12:00:00
Lainey Posted by Lainey
If, on the off chance, you’re mystified about the source of Lindsay Lohan’s assy behaviour, one need look no further than Dina Lohan, a woman so hellbent on living the high life THROUGH her daughter, she’s clearly willing to SELL her daughter – quite possibly the finest example of parental pimpage in a town full of parent pimps. But first, since I missed it on Friday, can we talk about “The Letter”? Because seriously y’all…James G Robinson is my new hero. And his inflammatory language, ON PROFESSIONAL LETTERHEAD, provides yet another example of why I love Hollywood. Any CEO who can and will include the word “BOGUS” alongside some cleverly placed semi-colons and proper use of “moreover” deserves my endless respect…even IF he was gettin’ medieval on my girl. More importantly though, why is a Hollywood movie executive – and Hollywood movie executives are among the dirtiest of the dirty, the most unsavory players in an increasingly unsavory town – why is a Hollywood movie executive doing Dina’s job? Far be it for Dina to teach her kid the importance of professionalism and punctuality, or provide her child with a measure of accountability and a sense of ownership for her life and her living, instead of the incessant coddling and excusing and whining that obviously characterizes her parental approach, to the point that her daughter, at the tender age of 20, has already flirted with anorexia and addiction, inappropriate relationships with older men, and now public and professional humiliation at the hands of her employers. I’d say Dina Lohan is the mother of the f&ckin’ year, wouldn’t you??? But… just in case you still aren’t sure how to cast your vote, let’s examine Dina’s defense of her daughter, point by point, in an exclusive interview with Access Hollywood to be aired Monday. "The wording was ridiculous. I feel when you are 19 (years old) it is way out of line… Maybe he has personal issues with whomever and it came out with my child. I don"t know him. I can"t judge him. I don"t think it was a smart thing to do to a young girl." Not a big deal but the last time I checked, Lindsay Lohan was born in 1986. Now I’m no math major, but my people DID invent the abacus, you know. So doesn’t that means she’s 20? In fact, didn’t some tabloid just fork out like 100 G’s to sponsor her 20th birthday party? Is it just me or is it a little suspicious that her mother can’t remember her age? Maybe it’s just me… Or maybe it’s the fact that I was raised by a Chinese pecking Chicken , who – shocker of all shockers! - disciplined me when I deserved it and protected me when so required. Wrong is wrong, y’all. And right is not blaming others for “personal issues” when you are clearly at fault. Right would be what my mother calls “the ear” punishment – cruel, perhaps, but also highly effective, a cultural payback that puts bad kids like me in check. When I was 7, my mother warned me to come home on time because my grandma was arriving from Hong Kong that night and would be expecting me for dinner. Of course I hopped on my bike and went to the park, playing way past the hour, and walking into the house when everyone was already half way through the meal. Cut to me, 15 minutes later, kneeling on the floor in the kitchen, and while everyone else ate, I was obliged to hold my ears until bedtime. Why? Because I was not obedient or “teng wah”, literally translated as “listen to the speak”, meaning you heed your instructions and you damn well hear what your elders have to say. Needless to say, when you don’t “listen” you don’t use your ears. So holding your ears is a way of reminding little tykes of what yours ears are for. And if Dina Lohan was anything like my mother, her child would have been holdin’ her ears last week, contrite and apologetic, instead of partying all weekend long in the face of public humiliation and admonishment. But then again, why would she? Her mother never taught her how to say sorry. (Lindsay said to me) "Mommy, I feel sick; like I am going to faint." She took herself to the hospital. She has asthma and in extreme cold or heat you can"t breathe. I"m a mother and will do what I need to do to protect my child…I don"t feel it should be aired out and everyone should know. It"s personal." Hmmm… Well that’s funny you know because it’s usually extremely hot AND smoky in nightclubs and would you believe Lindsay Lohan, despite the constant presence of a ciggie between her fingers, has never collapsed at any hotspot from LA to Miami to NYC and back??? And yet, strangely enough, during a week of hard festivities, including the Piv’s beach bash to say nothing of her endless trips to Hyde Lounge and The Ivy and the tattoo parlour – Lilo just happened to overheat on the set. Coincidence, or conspiracy, or Dina Lohan’s a piss poor parent??? As for doing anything to “protect my child”, how about not throwing her into the cesspool of greed and corruption otherwise known as Hollywood? Say what you will about the challenges of living with a teenager and the unpredictability of the adolescent mind. Say what you will about the limits of blame and the inability of any parent to completely control their wards. I understand how this works in real life. But please don’t ask me to apply the same sensibility to those who live vicariously through their children, who voluntarily expose them to the dangers of an industry so decadent, it’s not unheard of for a 10 year old to find herself drinking and drugging among Oscar winners and directors. Wanting the best for your baby is one thing. Wanting the best for your baby and living off the spoils is something else entirely. This, my friends, is Dina Lohan. And I challenge you to give me one solid piece of evidence that proves the contrary. "Lindsay gets to work late, OK… She"s a human being. There was one day when she was late and they worked the schedule around her. Garry (Marshall, the film"s director), Jane (Fonda, her co-star), everybody loves her." Probably my favourite quote of the lot, a wonderful glimpse into the value system Dina has imparted onto her child – the all important message of loving yourself above all others, and when necessary, inconveniencing them to validate your own worth. Because according to Dina, being late is not only OK, being late and having people work “the schedule” around you is even better. After all, what’s respecting your colleagues and their precious timetables when you’re the most celebrated young tart on the scene, with a new man and a club to open every single night of the week? F&ck being considerate, right? Leave considerate to the extras and the labourers…. Hasn’t Lindsay Lohan EARNED the right to be selfish??? And finally…as in most cases of first class parental suckage, there’s the delusion factor. Obviously, Dina possesses this in spades… “As far as Lindsay"s health is concerned, she"s fine and she is back on set. She will win an Academy Award for this picture… Justice!" Woah, come, f&ck, sh*t…huh??? So let me get this straight. Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson will begin shooting The Other Boleyn Girl in September. And Keira Knightley is behaving herself quite admirably for Atonement. She has also just wrapped Silk, a small arty picture about a woman left alone in France during the war while her husband takes up an illicit affair with a Japanese concubine. Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst is now attached to a project about a relief worker helping invasion victims in Afghanistan and Iraq. But according to Dina, Lindsay’s the next in line for Oscar glory??? Give me a f&cking break, woman! Quit subscribing to the Tori Spelling School of Karmic Calamity and do your kid a favour. Because at this rate, with this kind of mothering, she’ll be on her knees for the next 5 years c*cksucking her way to the ABC movie of the week while insipid little starlets like Emmy Rossum end up winning her roles. And finally, just to put a visual exclamation mark on the crisis at hand, take a look at the latest production photo from Bobby, of Lindsay alongside Sharon Stone – easily double her age, and arguably double the attraction. What does it say about young Lilo that Sharon pushing 50 is just as fresh, if not a helluva lot fresher than she is? This, my friends, has nothing to do with genetics or surgery. But it does have everything to do with Dina Lohan. Letter source from the Smoking Gun and photos from Location Lohan
Previous Article Next Article